Hail the All Father.

I was feeling miserable this morning after waking up from a nightmare and a stressful week. Then this popped up on my Facebook feed. The timing was amazing. I was feeling like a failure and a disappointment. Then I saw this and blinked. Then I smiled.

Thanks Odin, I needed that. Love you too.

Dreams and Nightmares.

Waxing Corn Moon (Age: 1 day)

Sign: Virgo

Weather: Hot, sultry &

partly cloudy skies

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Because my stress levels have been stupidly high, I have been having nightmares again. I've taken a bit of a risk by not taking my anti-nightmare recall med but I think I'm learning to regain some control over them. I don't remember much of my nightmares last night except that they were of fire. The last one I recall is the clearest, wherein I was trapped in a burning house. It became a lucid dream as the house caught fire and I attempted to change the dream. My efforts, however, somehow only served to make the fire (and my panic) even worse. In my distress in the dream, I screamed out to Loki for help.

There was utter silence and not even a ghost of his presence. He just wasn't there. So, I called out to Freyr. Then calm flooded through me and I was lifted out of sleep as Freyr held me and just said, "I'm here." When I reflected on it, I realized that Loki purposely wasn't there because I need to turn to Freyr more for help. I felt like an idiot when I realized that my habitual cry to Loki (who for the longest time was the only one whom I felt present and accessible, because Dea intimidated me so much she didn't feel accessible) was part of my problem. Fortunately enough, however, neither Loki or Freyr were irritated with me over it. Honestly, if I wasn't one to have fire nightmares when I got super stressed out, I would have suspected that the dream was engineered by Flame Hair himself as yet another shove to make me get over myself with respect to Freyr. To a small part, honestly, I do suspect him a little bit because of that sly look he gave me when I made the realization this morning as I was journaling.

When I'm not having nightmares, I'm have surreal dreams about the past. They're like seeing still snapshots of things that happened rather than reliving the trauma. And when they happen, I am not upset in any fashion. If anything, I'm annoyed. Freyr assures me that this is a sign that I am truly making progress integrating it all. I dearly hope that is the case. But, it is weird to see the terrible things happen in still images from random moments of the experience. I think the strangeness of it serves to insulate me from the horror to some extent. Thus, I am thankful for it.

Aside from the surreal dreams, I have started having a dream where a veiled female figure is sitting on a throne illuminated by some kind of spotlight in a dark hall. In the dream, I walk the length of the hall but it fades before I get close enough to see her clearly. While the Filianic interpretation of the dream would suggest either Sai Rhavë or, in the worst case, the Dark Queen, I don't think this is the case. In my past encounters with Sai Rhavë, she has appeared as a tall, solemn woman of great age whose manner of dress is akin to that of a Greek Orthodox woman in black. And she is always carrying a scythe or sickle. Also, Sai Rhavë appears to me standing in a field that has been or is being harvested. Sometimes she is holding dried flowers and other times a bowl with decaying fruit. But this veiled woman in my dream does not have any of the energy of Sai Rhavë to her. Nor does she have the ... menace of the Dark Queen.

I have felt a brush of the Dark Queen's energy. It was perhaps one of the most terrifying psychic experiences I have had. I could describe it, but I suspect that doing so would invite her attention. She is a thing of nightmares. She is the mother of all sorrows and agony. Even as I type this, I have made the sign of the Silver Star and give thanks for Sai Vikhë's protection. (Where Sai Vikhë appears for many to look like Athena or Kali, to me she looks alternately as a shield-maiden or a modern female infantryman. It is interesting to watch her interact with the gods. She and Freyja get on like a house afire. And they look almost to be sisters in apperance. It is fascinating.)

But this female figure, I am most certain it is not Hel. I have seen Hel. I have been in her hall and in her presence. This figure is not the Queen of the Dead. And this place is not Helheim. Helheim is not all darkness. It is not all austerity. It is a peaceful place where tired souls find their rest and comfort after the journey of life. This dark place that I have gone to in my dreams is a cold place and silent. Helheim is not silent. It may be still and quiet, but it is not utter silence like this place. It makes me question if this veiled woman is an aspect of my psyche and what she has to teach me.

Defensive confusion counter spell No. 1

Last Quarter Blue Moon (Age: 22 days)

Sign: Taurus

Weather: Cool, partly cloudy,

light breeze out of the west

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

This is a spell to use as a counter spell to someone ill wishing you or actually attempting to curse you. I have had fairly regular success with this one. It is an adapted version of a spell that I found in a D.J. Conway book. I have long forgotten what the book was and her title for the spell. I know that my version can be used with more or less candles, compared to the fixed number that she had.

Items needed:

• mirrored candle plate
• 6+ identical candles (Ideally enough to fit on the plate and fill it, I usually use tea lights.)
• Source of open flame (a lighter is a fine option for this)
• blessing oil or a bit of your personal scent (ie perfume or cologne)

Ritual:

1.  Create ritual space in the typical fashion for your practice. Invoke any spiritual allies that you require and make proper greetings and request for aid.
2. Pick one candle to represent you. Anoint it with the oil (also known as 'dressing' the candle) and attune it with yourself via projecting your personal spiritual energy into the candle.
3. Place your candle in the center of the candle plate. Arrange others around it.
4. Light central candle first.
5. Light other candles randomly.
6. Rearrange all the candles randomly whilst stating incantation.
7. Allow candles to burn completely.
8. Close ritual space and conclude your business with spiritual allies in manner that is customary.
9. Dispose of the candles remains in a manner that is ecologically sound.

Incantation:

6 (or however many candles in total) fires burn, one is me. Flames dance and flicker. Mirror reflects all you see but you can not tell which is me.

Notes:
The objective of this spell is to confuse the person targeting you for a spell. The candles act as illusions of yourself, which is represented by the dressed candle. Lighting them randomly and rearranging them randomly compounds the confusion in the caster because they can not tell which one is the source and which is the illusion. The mirror doubles this effect, adding an equal number of illusions plus one to the set.

Letters to Loki No. 31 (untitled)

Dear Loki,

I have been running in circles since my last letter trying to get everything done with getting The Dragon Child of Evandar to press. I'm at the point where the hard cover copies are out and available for purchase via Lulu.com and the paperback should be ready about the same time as the e-book. If everything works out right with that, it should be next week. I'm honestly nervous about all of this.

I know that you, Odin, and Freyr all want me to aggressively pursue making this happen. Looking at what all these 'sell your book' blogs have, I get the unpleasant butterflies in my stomach. It is a lot of meet the public kind of stuff and I get seized with this fear that I am going to make an idiot out of myself. I am going to make the effort, but I am scared. Like Freyr has said, courage is doing something despite the fear. As much as I am uncomfortable with this, I want to make it happen even more.

I am at something of a loss for how to proceed forward. These blogs have a laundry list of ideas where one can start. It is rather overwhelming. I feel like I should print the list off and throw a dart to pick where to begin. If you have any suggestions, that would be awesome. It isn't as bad as trying to make sense of the alphabet soup that is the information I've been reading about autism, but it is confusing. I know that I need to get more work out on the world building blog. These book blogs have been talking about posting daily and making regular posts via Twitter and Facebook focused on the work you're producing.

I have two entirely separate things going on and I don't know if just the one Twitter account is going to work well for it. I have my heart behind the fantasy novels but I have the witchery books that I am working on. You and Odin are right, by the way, there appears to be a really good market for 'em. The trick is making my 'brand' known and I'm a bit unsure what my 'brand' is. I'm sort of all over the place right now. How do I focus it all into one thing? I know I'll figure it out eventually. Right now, I am just trying to formulate my plan of attack with all of this.

I'm glad you enjoyed the pickled banana pepper. I still don't get how you insist it goes well with my super sugary coffee. The combination of vinegar with coffee is pretty bad to me but if it works for you, go for it. I made that set of prayer/worry beads like you suggested. They're sitting on the altar right now. I have no idea what to do with them. I have multiple sets and the ones that I made previously for my attempted Etsy shop. If you have someone you want me to send them to, let me know. Oh, one last note, picking the heroic kung fu music to accompany my post is pretty funny. You managed to make me grin with that one. Shufflemancy FTW!

Letters to Loki No. 30: WTF did I think I was doing?

Dear Loki,

I am sitting here looking at this project I am working on and quietly panicking. It is really frustrating. I know that part of my problem is I am getting the jitters because I'm about to take another big step towards getting this writing career off the ground. I still feel like I am doomed to screw this up. I know that is my anxiety talking. I really hate my anxiety. I feel like I should duct tape its mouth shut and throw it in a basement or something, but I can't because it doesn't work like that.

I have also been feeling overwhelmed by the volume of stuff I had to take care of today. I know that tomorrow will be a bit easier because I won't have the bills to worry about. And I got the whole kitchen clean, so there is one less thing to worry about there. Still, I just feel like this whole being a responsible adult business is more than what I signed up for. Then I remember, there was no way to avoid it and do my best to get over it.

I really want to get my writing stuff going well. I just wish I didn't get so scared of dealing with other people. That anxiety that leaves me speechless is horrible. And the mental fog that goes along with it is equally rotten. I keep telling myself today will be the day I go out and do something more, be more interactive with society, etc. Then I get to the end of the day, feeling exhausted and discouraged because I used up my proverbial spoons managing the house and just keeping things on an even keel.

I try not to get upset about it all. It is hard, though. I keep asking myself if neurotypical people are all doing a better job of handling this stuff and my problem is not that I have too many balls in the air but not enough capacity to juggle them. It's a really bad habit and I'm working on breaking it. My therapist says that it isn't fair of me to do that to myself because I'm basing my self worth on comparing myself to somebody else's good days. I know she has a big point. I just tend to forget it when I get stressed out.

I had something more I wanted to add but I forgot what it was when the computer crashed a few minutes ago. I suppose if it is important, I'll mention it when I talk to you later. If not, I probably won't remember it.

Signal Clarity & Ramblings

Waxing Blue Moon (Age: 10 Days)

Sign: Sagittarius

Weather: Humid, partly cloudy,

& seasonably warm

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A little while back, Freyr, Loki, and Odin told me that I needed to complete three books this summer. With my difficulty finding writing time, I began to panic a little. In my effort to feel as though I had actually accomplished something, I took out the boys' scrapbooks and started updating them. As I worked, I had this powerful sense of peace fill me. I no longer felt the frantic anxiety that I wasn't going to finish the deeds I was called to do in the time frame allotted. As I sat with that feeling, Freyr made his presence known. I asked him if this was what I was supposed to be working on. He nodded and smiled as he gave me a hug and kissed my temple.

As I am getting ready for the publication of book two of the fantasy series I am writing, Loki made himself quite impossible to ignore. (Not that I ignore him when he annoys me.) He was just about beside himself with excitement today as I posted the first of the several posts I will be making leading up to the release. That was when I realized this was one of the three books I was supposed to complete this summer. Between the two scrapbooks and this novel, I have three books I'm wrapping up this summer. I feel a bit silly for making myself panic over finishing others that I have partially written.

Some days, I get a message from the gods or the spirits and I understand it fairly well. Those are days where I have good signal clarity on my 'godphone'. Then there are the days where I misunderstand, misinterpret, or generally mess up the message. Those are the bad signal clarity days. Other psychics don't talk about it much, but they do happen on a fairly regular basis. I have noticed that my bad signal clarity days happen when I am really anxious or stressed out over something. I tend to overthink everything and make assumptions when I'm like that.

I suppose there is still something of a learning curve when you're doing psychic stuff, even if you've been at it for most of your life. In some cases, that learning curve is tied to the work you are doing. In other cases, like most recently for myself, it is tied to things regarding how you handle the work you are doing. Loki is right when he says I have a bad habit of taking on the biggest possible task I can at a given moment. He has been making strongly worded suggestions that I either deal with it in my therapy journal writing or some pointed discussions with my therapist.

When he hasn't been busy with his laser guided commentary on my issues, Loki has been trolling me. It seems like every time I'm out driving and he shows up, Up Town Funk starts playing. And I am beginning to get sick of Up Town Funk. It was funny at first, especially with him lipsynching and dressed in a gaudy holloween styled pimp suit. We've no progressed past funny into 'dear gods, give me a break.' Loki has been getting some laughs at my exasperation. Good friends: they poke you with sticks sometimes just to make you jump. I keep telling him that I'm going to get even. That makes him laugh harder. But, that kinda makes sense. It's sort of impossible to troll a deity. It's like trying to tell him a joke and he blurts out the punchline before I've even gotten started. But, that's Loki for you. I love him how he is, even when he drives me nuts.

Freyr... Where do I begin with him? So much I want to say but I feel uncomfortable doing so. People tending to hate on the people who are romantically involved with deities makes me really uncomfortable to begin with. The thought of that including insulting attitudes towards Freyr really makes me wary. Still, he is of the opinion that I blog a bit about how things are between him and I, so I am going to make the effort. He assures me it will all turn out well. So, there is that.

I've been struggling pretty hard with body image issues and eating for a while now. Freyr has been helping me keep track of how often and what I eat. Because of his firm direction, I have transitioned almost completely away from drinking soda. Instead, I've been having iced tea and iced coffee. As a result of just cutting down on the soda, I have lost several pounds. I'm getting ahead of myself. A few months ago, I got so stressed out that I was starting to starve myself again. (I was borderline anorexic in high school.) The feeling like everything in my life was out of control thus the only real control I had was over what I ate really did a number on me. Over the course of about three weeks, I dropped around 30 lbs.

Freyr was not pleased. I felt guilty and scared that I was getting really bad again. Beloved was just as upset as Freyr. It was a pretty shitty time. Beloved and Freyr helped me get back to eating three meals a day. It took a few weeks but I got back to it. My weight went up by about seventeen pounds but I was actually eating properly so I didn't get upset about that. Ever since I had the boys, I have been looking at the number on the scale and feeling like it was disgustingly too high. My doctor hasn't said anything about my weight being unhealthy. I didn't have anyone actively telling me I looked awful. Beloved was horrified by the idea that I felt like I was disgustingly fat. I blame all of the damn advertisements out there that tells women to lose weight to be beautiful. That passive version of mind manipulation is damaging, especially for women who have some what fragile grasps on a positive body image, like myself.

Freyr has taken some offense to the idea that I have this distorted image. He is not offended with me but on my behalf. It is a strange position to be in, to be honest. It just never occurred to me that he's be angry with something like that. He is, however. (You just don't want to see how angry Freyja is over this concept. Spitting mad is an understatement. In other news, Freyja is scary when she is furious, even if it is not directed at you and on your behalf. D/N/T Vanadis. EVER!) Because he is concerned about how this stuff is affecting me and is more than a little angry about how it is damaging to so many people, he became more active in helping me manage my health stuff.

Some days, I feel depressed and I start to really savagely rip on myself. Freyr has literally shaken me out of that mindset when it got really bad. Nothing is quite so odd as having muscle spasms that don't hurt and makes your whole arm tremble. The weirdness of it broke that mental loop as I tried to figure out what was going on and if this was because of my medication. But it only happened once, so I don't think I'm developing tardive dyskinesia or anything else like that. That was a strange and disturbing experience but it got the job done. And I have discovered that Freyr is like Loki with respect to being completely mercenary about getting something handled. He will use whatever method is at hand and most effective.

Thus, when I found myself going in the opposite direction and starting to 'eat my feelings' Freyr stepped in and made 99.9% of everything sweet taste awful. When the gummy bear addict is repulsed by the gummy bears, you know something is up. As I have been getting better at handling things in moderation, I'm finding that sweets are not quite so wretched. I still get fed up with them (LOL pun) pretty quickly but I can progress beyond being ready to spit out the stuff as soon as it hit my tongue.

I also think that Freyr is part of the reason why I have a hard time sitting still when the weather is nice. Last summer, I wasn't really keen on the idea of being outside but now I've been going out every day that it isn't raining. We've been taking walks and looking at the public gardens at the park by the lake that is a short ways from my home. Sometimes on those walks, we'll talk. Other times, he's just by my side. There have been a few times where there was a very faint second shadow beside mine on the side where Freyr is walking. It was pretty cool and I was thrilled.

When he isn't helping me manage my health issues and we're not out admiring the seasonal flowers, Freyr will sometimes just be with me while I'm working on stuff. Just the other day, I was paying bills as he was nearby working on something. Nonoriel Lokisson has described his spouse as sitting around doing paperwork while he is making stuff or doing whatever he does to run his business. It kinda baffled me. And then it happened with Freyr. I was sitting on the couch, knitting one of the presents I've been making people for Yule, when I looked over to see Freyr with a lap desk and a stack of papers almost an inch thick and reading glasses. It was, honestly, the reading glasses that threw me for a loop. I asked him why he was wearing them and he said, "They're comfortable and makes things easier." You can't argue with that type of response, even if it is coming out from behind some type of paperwork in a script you have no way of reading.

(Anyone else who is involved with Freyr, can you confirm if he is a polyglot? I keep getting the impression that he knows ALL THE LANGUAGES. A lot like Loki, to be honest.)

Most of the time, things with Freyr are fairly low key and relaxed. There are times where he will sternly tell me to stop doing something (ie a habit I am trying to break) or will become super serious about something we're discussing. But those are the exception to the rule. For some reason, I had this idea that being involved with a deity was some type of storybook romance and like the spiritual equivalent of champagne and roses half the time. I don't know why I got that impression from the godspouse blogs that I have read. But, between Freyr and I things are downright domestic. (If he ever gives you recommendations on how to improve a recipe, LISTEN. Amazing things came from that and I regret that I didn't write down what we used to make that salad dressing. It was seriously one of the best things I have had this year.)

Though there has been no sort of ceremony, Freyr has taken to calling me his wife. I usually counter with 'but we're not married' and his rejoinder is 'close enough.' Loki has found this to be hilarious. Especially when Freyr manages to make me flustered and all I can do is splutter out that retort. I've been deemed adorable because of this. I have a feeling that things are going to be getting interesting over the next few months.

Letters to Loki # 29 Contents under pressure.

Dear Lopt,

I have been feeling some strain over trying to juggle writing ambitions, housework, and the kids. Looking at all of this, I honestly find myself wondering how other people manage to have this life that looks perfect. I have been avoiding places like Pinterest and the mommy blogs so that I don't get all upset over how I am not doing that. It has been a really challenging week.

The biggest challenge I have had, to be honest, hasn't come from the kids. It has been treating myself better. Stopping myself from doing those old habits of self-denial and self-criticism is exhausting. I keep catching myself about to say something truly horrible to myself when things don't work out quite right. It is both sobering and saddening to realize how often I do that. They say that it takes a month to establish a new habit. If I stick with this, perhaps it will become a habit to catch myself when I am about to do something detrimental to my mental state.

I think the realization that I had been self-perpetuating the verbal abuse I grew up with was partly due to a shove nudge from you to think more deeply on what my therapist said last session. I wasn't happy when I sat down and followed the mental NOPE-train back to where a lot of my present difficulties have been stemming from. Still, I now know (It is so weird that the addition of one letter changes the pronunciation so much.) I suppose I have a start on resolving the problem. I've been feeling ashamed of how awful I had been towards myself. Then I remember that 95% of the problem is conditioning and I feel a little less horrible.

This week, I have been (in addition to the mental health improvement efforts) doing my best to maintain better posture. Freyr is of the opinion that when I break the habit of stooping to make myself seem shorter than I really am, it will help me feel better about my over all appearance. I am a bit baffled by how that is supposed to work. Still, I have been making the effort. As a result, however, my back has been uncomfortable because I'm using muscles differently and my stomach has been as well. From what I have been reading, strengthening my 'core' will help me maintain better posture and fit into my pre-preganancy jeans. I haven't been organized enough to start doing sit-ups everyday but I have been trying to remember to keep my abdominal muscles tensed/flexed/used (What is the right word for that? I honestly can't think of it.). It has been making for my stomach to feel tired some too.

I guess the minor physical discomfort is secondary to the goal of greater health. I am feeling a little frustrated, however, that I keep forgetting to do stuff like this. I suppose it will come with more practice. That whole "It take 3 weeks to start a new habit." thing in action, I guess. The other habit that I am working on getting back into is writing everyday. The last few depressive episodes really messed with my writing output. I think the daily blogging is helping some. The blog entries are a bit rough and I'm a little behind schedule, but I am getting something done everyday.

Now, if I could manage not to be sitting staring at the screen trying to brain up something to write on my manuscripts, that would be awesome. I picked one to work on and I just keep going nowhere with it. I have tried going to source material and drawing out more inspiration but nothing's really been happening. I am tempted to drop the current manuscript and pick up a different one to resume work on. I am glad that I'm not doing the Camp Nanowrimo thing this month. My word count would be atrocious right now, and that is before you take into consideration the difficulties I have been having writing. Just on the basis of the amount of disruptions and distractions is cutting my work time to a quarter of what it is during the school year.

I keep starting to get upset that I am not banging out 50k in two weeks or 3-5k words in a day. Then I pause and remember that there are a lot of very valid reasons why I am not having the words flying off my fingertips. I have been working on getting my second fantasy novel ready for self publication. That blog I have been using for world-building material has been languishing for almost a month (and not being updated very often for the last half year or so) because I have been busy with edits on this book. I am now at the point where I need to figure out what I am doing for a cover.

The different 'cover creator' things I have been finding are not satisfactory right now. I know that I don't have the funds to pay an artist to make something. I am not going to have the hubris to ask someone to do it for free (aka 'You'll get a lot of exposure!') because that is insulting bullshit. Those artists work damn hard and deserve to be compensated for it. I know at some point, I will get this stuff figured out and I will eventually be able to pay an artist to make stuff happen. I just have to hang in there and keep at it.

I have been reading about Amazon's sketchy games with e-books and it makes me a little nervous. I have also been reading about this stuff regarding marketing and, honestly, I am coming away from it feeling like an idiot. Trying to write a decent sounding blurb for the back of the book jacket feels awkward and awful. It is like this is the revenge of Comm101. I hated attempting to write articles. They never came out right. I tried really hard and all I did got bad grades. That's part of the reason I get apprehensive about this stuff. The other part is the fact that I recognize that I really am not good at writing for mass market stuff. I don't know if it is an extension of my social phobia or what.

Still, I need to figure that out because that is going to probably be what I need in order to publicize what I've got done. Publicity.. there's a word that scares the piss out of me. I've been doing the 'if I don't look at it, it will leave me alone' thing on that front but I can't do it anymore. So, if you have suggestions for where I should start on approaching this mess, Silver Tongue, it would be deeply appreciated. The fact that it is like public speaking messes me up. The fact that it is in written format only makes it marginally easier to approach.

But, that's where things stand right now. I am going to go and drink my beer. Then I am going to attempt to use part of this hour I've got free to get some work done, somehow, on this manuscript staring me in the face.

Curse No. 2 - Driven on the Wind

Last Quarter Buck Moon (Age: 22 Days)

Sign: Aries

Weather: Cool, cloudy, moderate breeze

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Items needed:

Paper, writing implement, source of flame, flame proof container or location to burn items (all optional)

Conditions required:

Stormy or very windy weather makes for highest success

Write the target of the spell on the piece of paper. Place it in the vessel for burning. Light it and allow paper to burn to ashes. Cast ashes in the air to be blow away by the wind whilst stating incantation. Spell can also be cast with out ashes. Ashes can make for more effective visualization for spell but otherwise do not impact the spell greatly.

Incantation:

May you be driven on the wind.

May you find no rest or safety but ever in flight of terror.

May your voice be lost in the roar of the storm, devoid of power before that which opposes you.

May your strength be swept away as dust before the storm, powerless to resist it.

May your plans be broken as the trees before the hurricane's might.

May they be left in ruins and scattered with no hope of repair or continuance.

May your place of sanctuary be shattered as the house before the tornado's wrath.

May every board, block, and beam be broken.

May the nails be turned against you by the storm and driven into your flesh.

May you be cast away as the clouds before the wind, dissolving into nothingness on the gust.

By the restless air, I curse you, Daesh, to be destroyed and rendered powerless.

Disclaimer:

This spell can be adapted for other purposes. The caster, in doing so, assumes all karmic responsibility for their actions.

Letters to Loki # 28 (untitled)

Dear Sly One,

I was a busy day today. Mainly, I was just doing a lot of minor tasks and then running around with the kids. A good amount of the shock with respect to my grandmother's death has worn off. I'm not wandering around incapacitated with grief. This surprises me, because I was extremely close to her. Instead, I keep thinking that it was good that her suffering from dementia and the pains of old age has ended. And the thought that she is now with my grandfather keeps running through my mind.

I have placed the prayer card for her from the funeral home on my ancestor shrine. It is right next to my grandfather's. It feels like the right thing to do. I want to do something more for them but nothing pops up in my mind. It just keeps going back to what my grandfather said to me when he was dying from cancer: just take care of your family and work on your book. I am doing my best to keep those things as my focus. A part of me says that it isn't as important as some nebulous other thing I 'should' be doing. I'm pretty sure that is my perfectionism and inner critic talking, though.

I've been doing some thinking, when I had some quiet time today, and I realized that my inner critic is a vicious bitch who just wants to destroy me. It isn't the same thing as my inner editor, if that makes any sense. In my last therapy session, last month, I told my therapist that my inner critic wasn't this monster. But, after some serious consideration, I came to realize I was doing two things to hinder myself. The first was denying that I had that problem, to some extent. The second thing I realized I was doing was that I was attempting to defend my inner critic a lot like how I defended my abusers in the past whilst in the relationship. The first realization annoyed me. The second rather horrified me.

I'm not entirely sure how to proceed forward with this knowledge. All of my feeling of disturbance and discomfort is no longer focused on my grandmother's death but rather the fact that I have been perpetuating the abuse cycle in my self talk. Don't really know what to do about that. I'm sure I'll think of something.

Curse No. 1 - Withering roots.

Waning Gibbous Buck Moon (Age: 16 days)

Sign: Aquarius

Weather: Seasonable, partly cloudy skies

~*~*~*~*~*~

For this spell, you will need a black candle that will burn quickly. I used a black birthday candle. Present the candle to the deities and beings whom you are seeking assistance from. As you place it in the burner, envision the target of the spell as a tree with roots running into the earth. Light the candle with an active flame (a lighter flame, another candle, or a fire).

When you light it recite the following:

Let Daesh diminish as this candle does. 

Let the elements of the world consume them as the flame consumes the candle.

Let the speed of this candle's destruction mirror the rapid destruction of Daesh.

Turn to ashes as the fires of justice consume you.

Let the tree wither from the roots up. 

Let no blossom or fruit be upon its boughs.

Let the leaves turn to dust and the tree starve for want of supplies.

Burn away. You turn to ashes and dust. Powerless before the wind and ground beneath the heel of those who stand against you. You turn to naught. Just as the candle is consumed and vanishes, so shall you be consumed by justice's flame and vanish into nothingness, where none will remember your name.

As you recite the curse, envision the tree withering from the roots up. Envision the leaves becoming brittle and crumbling to dust. See all bud of future growth or fruit turning hard and then crumbling to dust. See the tree consumed from a flame that rises up from the earth, turning it to a pile of dust and ash. And then watch as the wind scatters the remains to the four corners of the world.

When the candle is fully consumed, the curse becomes 'active'. If there are any trace amounts of the candle left, melt them and then pour them into a container that is to be destroyed (ie: a paper milk jug that can be burned or recycled). Destroy the container, ensuring that the full potency of the spell is released. (Disposing of the container in recycling that is going to be processed at a plant counts as destroying the components.)

Then cleanse your ritual location and focus upon returning everything to the neutral energy it had before your action. Also, make a point to cleanse yourself of the energies associated with the curse. It is miasmic and will cause all sorts of its own special issues.

DISCLAIMER: If you are going to be cursing someone, expect there to be some sort of metaphysical push back. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Be prepared for some type of magical manifestation in your own life. This may or may not be harmful. Results will vary upon that front. The format of this spell is such that it can be adapted to other purposes. The use of this spell can have negative consequences if the target is 'close' to you. I recommend a different approach to interpersonal problems. All karmic repercussions of this spell is upon the user.

Letters to Loki # 27- The Rollercoaster has come off the rails.

Dear Loki,

I was feeling like things were beyond my control for a little while now. And then my paternal grandmother died early Monday morning. Now I feel like I'm just holding on for dear life as the rollercoaster is plunging into the abyss. Routine is basically what has gotten me through the last few days. I can't really do much of anything to be of help with getting things settled over at the farm. I can't do much to comfort folks. There is a whole lot of 'I can't do anything to help.' going on right now and it is a somewhat upsetting position to be in.

I know some of this is colored by the fact that I slept really poorly last night and I somewhat anticipate more of the same tonight. I am a little bit in a state of shock right now. I think it is taking the edge off of the grief. I am pretty sure that the calling hours at the funeral home are going to be rough on me. I know that the memorial service is going to be. I don't know if I'm going to be going through this with a stoic reserve like I did with my paternal  grandfather's death a few years ago or if I'm going to be openly weeping this time. I am unsure about what I'm going to do if I get caught up in that.

Emotional extremes don't feel safe to me. Stoicism was something I adopted because of how intense emotional experiences resulted in negative consequences when I was younger. I know that I need to get used to this. I know that the stoic response to everything isn't healthy for me. At the same time, I am very apprehensive about this because the people who taught me that powerful emotion isn't 'appropriate' are the ones I am going to be around.

I keep trying to will myself to 'get over' all the anxiety and what not. It isn't working out that well. I honestly don't know how this week is going to turn out. I'm just not sure of what to do in this whole mess. Keeping my head down and doing the daily routine is going to work for only so long until all of this catches up with me. I will some how get through this. Hopefully it will not turn into an utter disaster.

Letters to Loki # 26 STFU Anxiety.

Hi Loki,

I have been having a hard time writing for you gods. It is not that I don't want to. I am just hitting a mental block on it all. I think the reason why has been my increased anxiety over the last little while. I thought that the incident a few weeks ago was something that I was pretty much over and I was fine. I have to admit, however, that I really am not.

Having somebody trespass into the apartment when I was sleeping was damn terrifying. With the locks being changed, I feel much safer. But I'm still a bit jumpy. I am glad that I woke up when I did. I'm glad that the intruder only poked around some papers sitting on the table and moved a few dishes on the counter as they talked to someone about me. I'm glad that they left with out taking anything or doing me any harm. These are things that I am thankful for. The fact that I managed to provide a decent imitation of someone deeply asleep despite the fact that I was awake and listening to them is another thing that I'm thankful for.

At the same time, having the back door open for a breeze at night when I'm attempting to sleep makes me uncomfortable (even though Beloved is sitting in the living room reading or doing whatever on his tablet). I know that this jumpiness will pass eventually. I just am still kinda unnerved by it. And then there is the business of the kids finishing school for the summer and my cousin's graduation. For some reason, I am really worrying about what I'm going to do with the boys while they're on break. I can't seem to stop. And you know how rough things are for me when it comes to dealing with my side of the family.

All this worry just overflows when I sit down to write and I wind up writing about that. I guess my therapist would say this is a good thing because it is helping me to process stuff. But it doesn't exactly help me write stuff for you guys. I want to write happy things. I want to write stuff that isn't so absorbed with my psych issues. But for the last few weeks, I've just been stuck on that topic. Mindless activity helps a little bit, but writing has never been mindless activity for me.

I am doing better about my issues eating. I've been eating three meals a day (making a point to eat the whole meal) even though I feel really repulsed by it. I am making a point of not weighing myself every day so that I don't start hyperfocusing on the number on the scale and start doing stupid things because of it. I checked my weight, though, a few days ago and it is maintaining the number I was at about a month ago. So, I'm not losing weight stupidly fast again. It is hard for me to cope with feeling out of control. I am, though, trying to do that and focusing on what I can do rather than what is happening that I can't manage.

My knee is healing up well. I've hit the point where it itches like crazy now rather than just hurting all the time. I am really glad that I didn't break anything when I fell down the stairs. Hearing that my grandmother broke her hip after a fall just served to reinforce the idea that I was lucky I didn't break a kneecap landing on my knees. I am also really thankful that Cuddle Bear didn't get more severely injured when he fell on his field trip yesterday.

I don't know if that was you or somebody else's work. But I am really, really thankful that he didn't get a concussion and all he has are minor scrapes. It's funny in a perverse fashion, because he has a scrape on his knee in just about the same spot that I do. It's been something that he has been commenting on. I think it makes the whole business less scary for him. Whatever helps make the matter less of a source of anxiety for him is something I'm going to be thankful for. I've been trying to get him to understand that he has to bend his knee so that the skin heals properly, but he's been resisting that (except for when he gets caught up in what he is doing and forgets to not walk normally). I'm thinking the trick to all of this might be keeping him too busy to mess with his bandages or do stuff like drag his leg when he walks.

I had a chuckle this morning when he decided that he needed to use my cane this morning. I treated it as he was being silly and the topic was dropped. If I'm lucky, he will have forgotten about this idea tomorrow and be more interested in going to school and playing with his friends. Also, if I'm lucky, my knees won't be giving me trouble tomorrow and I won't need my cane.

That's pretty much everything that is on my mind right now. I can't think of much else to write. I hope that the solstice was pleasant for you and Sigyn. It was just another busy Sunday at my house. If we get a lasting break in rainy weather, I'll make a point to get those daylilies that you told me she likes. They've just started blooming, so I think I can find a few nice ones for her. I'll catch up with you again soon.

Palmyra, Daesh, and Disappointment.

Waxing Buck Moon (Age: 5 days)

Sign: Virgo

Weather: Partly cloudy, humid, warm

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In case you haven't read it in the news, Daesh (the group known as ISIS or ISIL, though I refuse to call it anything other then Daesh) has laid mines around the ancient ruins of the city of Palmyra. It has been described as holding this world heritage site hostage. A description that, honestly, I agree with. I fear that the Syrian government will not be successful in recapturing the city of Palmyra and that Daesh will destroy this important site. I try not to think about those fears because brooding upon them feeds them more energy and may help this terrible possibility manifest. I confess, however, I am fearful of what Daesh will do.

I have read of what evil people have used magically to bolster themselves and I have no illusions that Daesh is employing some form of magic towards their ends. Seeing what they have done over the last year, I am deeply troubled by what they are engaged in. Daesh is reshaping the landscape of the Middle East in blood to something that only in mouthed words resembles Islam. They are persecuting, torturing, and murdering people who come across their path who do not ascribe to their vision. They are destroying ancient sites that are vital to the history of the region (and the world) because of their objection to the ancient faiths that were practiced there but they are selling off artifacts to fund their campaign of terror. I look at Daesh and I am horrified by what they are, what they have wrought, and what their apparent vision of the future is. 

I look at this extremism and I fear for the people that live under that rule and those who are caught within its grasp. When I look to the United States and I see the growing attitudes of Christian extremism, I feel deep disgust and disappointment. When I see the systemic racism in my homeland being justified as 'biblicaly sound' attitudes, my disappointment deepens. Do I believe the extremists in the US are going to be as violent as Daesh? I don't think that will be an immediate thing but if they gain traction, they will become so. 

I pray for these people to be halted in their efforts to oppress others. I pray that their views will not gain adherents. I pray for justice to be done for all whom these people have harmed. But, sometimes, I feel that my prayers are not enough. When the shooting in Charleston happened, I was not surprised to learn of the gunman's philosophical leanings. It is but another manifestation of the same extremists who bomb Planned Parenthood and similar 'abortion' clinics. It is but another manifestation of the same extremists who think murdering gay and transgender people is a proper thing to do. When these evils are enacted, I feel powerless to do anything about them.

I will confess, I have something of a soft heart. When I read of these tragedies, I grieve for all who are afflicted by them. I despair for the future. And then I pray for justice and healing. I have been feeling of late that my prayers are not enough in the face of this evil. Odin has been strongly encouraging me to apply magic to the problems. Indeed, one of the ways he has been encouraging me to apply magical effort is by way of curses. I was feeling rather squicked by the concept of throwing curses around up until recently.

Perhaps my discomfort with curses came from the 'lightworker' heritage that I bear in my training. Or perhaps it comes from my fears that engaging in such things will bring disaster upon my house (as I had been told in the past by someone that I then respected). I realized, however, as I read of the Charleston massacre, the murder of several young trans-people, and Daesh's latest actions in Palmyra, that my discomfort is something of an attempt to avoid stepping up to oppose what feels like an overwhelming opposition. This is something that is unacceptable. 

So, over the next month, I will be working on spells to hinder and neutralize these evil people. My discomfort must not stop me from acting because it is wrong for me not to do something when I have the capacity to lend even a small bit of effort towards stopping this evil. As I work up these spells, I will post the 'recipes' on here. It is my hope that some of my readers who are comfortable (morally) with taking these actions will join me in doing so. I will be continuing my prayers for justice to be had for the victims and for their healing.

I may be but one person, but I can pray and cast spells with the best of 'em. Aside from this, I can continue to take a stance in my dealings with others that opposes these evils when they come to light.

The Importance of Mythopoetic History

The subject is mentioned in many of the public sites that discuss Filianism but it is not really discussed. Perhaps because many feel that it is simply enough to say that it matters and it is more 'real' when compared to literal history. I, however, believe it is important to take a moment to explore what mythopoetic history is and why it is important. Because mythopoetic history is very important and has a powerful influence on how entire cultures view themselves.


Literal history is just that. The history that can be proven factually with evidence. It is what most archeologists and historians study. While some argue that literal history is the only form of history, there are also those who deny that historical events happened. (I'm looking right at you, holocaust deniers.) While it is tempting to say that literal history is the only history of the world and humanity, it fails to take in the more subtle aspects that can be only inferred from historical artifacts.



Mythopoetic history is the story we tell ourselves about our origins. Each culture (and subculture) has a different mythopoetic history. Mythopoetic history is fluid and exists in a mutual relationship of influence upon the culture it operates upon/within. The tales of the ancient Greeks, including the great myths of the gods, the great stories of heroes (The Odyssey is perhaps the most well known of them.) and the folklore of the people, make up their mythopoetic history. It tells them where they came from, how the world works, what it means to be a person, what it means to be respectable, and what is to be unforgivable behavior in their society. Mythopoetic history is influenced by cultural shifts.



As such, when you look at the changes to these myths with the passage of time, it becomes apparent what values changed and about when it happened. It is also possible to gague the influence of social stressors, such as economic problems and war, through the evolution of the mythopoetic language of a society. Modern Greece's mythopoetic history is very different from ancient Greece. It is heavily influenced by literal history because of the high value that is placed upon such things in their society now. Elements of the ancient mythopoetic history will remain in that culture's 'story' but they will be reinterpreted and reenvisioned to fit the modern societal conditions.



It is possible for mythopoetic history to be changed in a fairly short period of time. If one consideres the social engineering and manipulation of what became the Nazi Party in the era of the Weimar Republic, the sweeping changes to how the German people viewed themselves was enormous. It built upon several core elements that make up mythopoetic history and then presented them in an attractive fashion, at an aggressive pace. The success of their social engineering is partly due to the fact that the German people at the time were desperately looking for better ways to define themselves and remove the onus of shame that they felt because of their conditions. Another reason why it was so successful was because it acquired patronage from individuals highly placed within the society.



Shifts in mythopoetic history must be grounded in a sense of where the culture comes from, who and what they standfor, and why they have the troubles they do. It must answer the basic questions of existence that go beyond 'where did humans come from?' and 'how did the universe come into being?'. It addresses the questions of what our relationship with the universe should be, what our cultural origins are, and addresses the attributes of a 'good' citizen. When these shifts are well placed and timed correctly, they seem to the person within the structure of the mythopoetic history to be a seamless transition.



Studying mythopoetic history is an important thing. Observing how it is shaped and how it evolves makes it possible for one to have a clear picture of the state of the given society, its values, and its norms. Just as mythopoetic history can be changed through skillful manipulation, it can be retained as well. Some elements of mythopoetic history will persist as folklore simply because one can not erase anything completely from memory. Other elements can be adapted to the evolving culture and retain much of their original concept, with new ones applied to it as well.



One may wonder why mythopoetic history is so important. It is important from an anthropological and sociological position because it depicts the things about the culture that it valued about itself and the world. It is also important from a layman's perspective because it is what is at the heart of political movements and change. If one has a clear understanding of what previous mythopoetic history said about their culture, it becomes possible to affect change in the present mythopoetic history. A fine example of this is how the Civil Rights movement of the 1960s forced a change in how the cultural story of the black community was placed in society. The transition away from that earlier view is still in process, but there is enough of a change that governmental shifts have been made.

Letters to Loki # 25

Hi there Loki,

I'm not sure what to write this week. I'm still struggling with my food issues. It's been hard to make myself eat when I don't feel like I should be. I, however, have been listening to Freyr when he nudges me to get something in me and eating what he suggests. I feel ashamed that I'm having problems with this again. I honestly thought that it was all done and over with. But, I guess, it is a fool who thinks they've conquered everything.

I'm almost finished spinning this latest bit of silk. After this, I'm going to take a break from it. I'm glad that I've got a distaff because the way the weather has been, I'm pretty sure my hands would sweat handling wool. I thought it would be good to make something pretty with it but I honestly have no idea. I picked up a book on Tunisian crochet. It's given me some good ideas for Yule gifts. I also think I'm going to run with your suggestion of beaded stitch markers for my MiL. I don't think, however, skulls are quite her style. I will, though, make that set and probably keep 'em for me.

Your idea for how to fix that bracelet was genius. I can actually wear it now. I was afraid that I'd have to take it apart but you gave me just the right tips for how to fix it. I don't know if it is going to replace my grounding bracelet. I think that it will become a regular favorite, though. That fix seems sturdy enough to stand up to the daily tasks of running the household. It does not, however, make a good wrist distaff.

I am looking at my various writing projects and feeling at something of a loss for where to begin. I appreciate that you and the other two are all telling me to start with what feels right. It's just hard for me to figure out just what that is. My regular blogging efforts are helping to some extent to keep me mentally sharp. I think that writing in my therapy journal is helping me deal with some pretty awful memories. But, I am at a loss for which book to work on. You three told me I need to write three books this summer. It would be kinda nice for at least one of you point me at what I should be working on.

I've been going for walks with Freyr. I think I'm starting to get past the stammer like an idiot thing. I still find myself awestruck by Freya. I know you tell me that I will get used to her. I honestly question that. I am getting the impression, however, that they are a packaged deal. That kind of intimidates me. But, you say it's good for me to take on things that intimidate me. So, I'm forging forward. But I feel like a blithering idiot right now. At least, when I'm dealing with both of them at the same time. They kind of amplify each other or something. That is not easy to get used to. Gerda pretty much laughs and tells me that I'm adorable.

Why is it that every jotun I encounter tells me that I'm adorable? EVERY SINGLE ONE! It's driving me batty. And I know that you're probably rolling on the floor with laughter over this as I speak.

I'll be giving you and Odin that whiskey. I had hoped to share it with you but my medications are telling me NOPE. I am not, by the way, going to light it on fire. As cool as that might look, I don't think it would be practical or safe. The back deck being made out of WOOD and all that. Somedays, I seriously think I should start calling you Trogdor. Then I realize it would turn into something completely off the wall wacky. So I don't. But I'm letting you know, I regularly think about it.

Letters to Loki #24 - LOLWUT?

Hey there Sly Fox,

It seems like there has been more trolling going on over the interwebz over the last week then usual. Some of it has been insanely funny. Some of it has been genuinely disturbing. The only thing that has been consistent is that satire has been getting treated like legitimate news in several cases. I'm not sure what to make of this trend. I'm hoping that it is just a temporary uptick in these occurrences. I would be really disappointed and disgusted with my fellow humans if they became even more gullible.

Looking at how the political pundits are setting up for the coming elections, two things really stand out. All the Republican prospective candidates are nuts. And the Democrat ones seem to be hiding in holes right now. The third party folks are somewhere in between. These Republican folks are starting to really disturb me. The 'conservative Christians' are very loud and active in that group. They're pushing some really awful things in the states where they've got a substantial foothold. Looking at it all, I'm really concerned that they're going to do irreparable damage to the nation.

I'm still adjusting to that new medication. I thought it would have had all my sleep issues resolved by now but it's still a bit of a pain in the ass. Today was the first day in about two weeks that I wasn't completely exhausted when I woke up in the morning. I don't know if this means I have finally adjusted to this stuff or not. I'm working on getting back into doing more therapy journaling. Stupid anxiety has been making me worry that writing about what happened to me is going to make bad things happen. I really hate that and the self censorship that goes with it. Trying to just push through it is just making it more difficult. I'm not sure how to approach it.

I put in for a reduced rate at the mental health clinic. Their rates just went up. It was pretty depressing to fill out the form and see in black and white just how tight finances are. A part of me says I shouldn't get super anxious over it. Another part of me is just this side of panic and wondering if I should start selling stuff on ebay or something. I keep thinking about the etsy site that I still have and wondering if I should post things up on there again. I then feel like the chair gets kicked out from under me when I recall that I have no idea what to do to promote it. And I look at Keen and think, "Hey, maybe I can do this." Then my social phobia pokes its head up and goes "Nope."

On a completely unrelated note, I get that you like this song and that you feel it is a real mood elevator. That said, the next time I turn on the radio, can it not start playing Uptown Funk? Every time I turned it on today, it was playing that damn song. I know you like it but, dude, pick something else, please. Also, I don't think the big hair works that well for you. Or at least, the orange-red hair with the lime green suit didn't work so well. I know you like loud combinations. That one definitely qualified. It makes me a little worried what you're going to come up with next. It also makes me suspicious that you have taken up the role of fashion consultant for my husband. His loud combinations are starting to reach your level. It'd be impressive if it wasn't so painful on my eyes.

Letters to Loki # 23 - Rambling and ranting.

Dear Loki,

Today has been a rather long day. I was reaching a point of intense frustration when Beloved gave the wonderful suggestion of going out and picking up take-out for dinner. Having eaten a good portion of shrimp in garlic sauce and lo mein, I feel a bit less on the verge of either screaming or throwing stuff. I guess part of my problem was low blood sugar. I thought I had gotten past the whole 'forgetting to eat' thing. Looks like I was wrong.

The sky outside right now is really impressive. It is raining but the sun is setting. It is at such an angle where the whole western sky is lit up with shades of orange. I'm sure if I stepped out and looked east, I'd see a rainbow right now. It is, however, wet and windy out there. I don't think I'm going to do it, but I will admire it all from right here in the living room.

I keep getting things tangled up on how to approach my creative efforts. Freyr is wisely telling me not to take an 'all or nothing' approach. It's been tempting to just say that since I can't do much now that I should just give up on the whole mess. I am, however, listening to his better judgment and putting such decisions aside. It is, honestly, awkward for me to listen to Freyr's advice. He's been suggesting over the last several days that perhaps I have been operating a little too much under the influence of my past trauma.

At his encouragement, I picked up my therapy journal and I have been writing in it again. It is really uncomfortable. I guess the best way to describe it is that writing in there is the mental equivalent to having that wound drain pulled out of my side. And, like when I had that damn thing taken out, I recognize this is necessary and something that is only going to help my long term welfare. I get angry with the fact that I have to do all these things (therapy, journaling, medications, etc.) to manage some degree of mental stability. I look around at how other people are going on with their lives and I feel intense envy for how 'easy' it seems to be.

Then I mentally smack myself and remind myself that I'm comparing things that have no relation to each other. Freyr's been suggesting that I consider talking to my therapist about finding some sort of PTSD support group. I have been hemming and hawing over it. I don't feel like there's much for someone like me in my area. I have had a hard time looking around and finding support stuff for us when it comes to the kids autism. I'm afraid to go looking for myself.

Fear has been a big problem for a little while now. Some of it is because I haven't been sleeping well. I have been having nightmares and trouble sleeping since late last August. I'm now on 8 different medications. If the three I'm taking to sleep at night don't resolve the problem or at least mitigate it, then my psych provider is talking about putting me on Ambien. I've read a little bit about Ambien. It makes me a bit nervous.

I have been feeling really upset about the fact that I take all these medications. I know that mental illness is as legitimate of a health condition as diabetes. I still can't shake the feeling, however, that I have some how failed because I'm taking medication to manage my symptoms. Every time I go to take my medicine, I get this awful sinking feeling in my stomach and I feel terribly, terribly guilty. My therapist says this will pass as I get the bad programming from my youth out of my head. Apparently conditioning is harder to put aside then sticking to a diet is.

Speaking of diets, I have come to the conclusion that baked tofu is probably one of the worst things I have tired in my attempts to eat vegetarian meals for breakfast and lunch on most days. I still have three blocks of the stuff sitting in the fridge. I am pretty sure the kids won't touch it. I know that Beloved will not eat it. So, I think I'm going to have to just throw it out. Apparently, the only way I can tolerate tofu is in hot and sour soup or miso soup. And I don't have the stuff to make either.

I can't think of anything more to write. I could go on about how upset I am with my mental health issues, but I think I covered that pretty completely. We watched a parade for Memorial Day. The kids loved the two marching bands and the firetrucks. I have been wracking my brains on something I can do for the ancestors. I feel badly saying that it is probably only going to be a small food offering and a candle. I want to do more but I just can't think of anything. I hope that I'm not disappointing them with what I have to give. I am, probably, over thinking things again. Another habit I really should consider breaking, I suppose.

Letters to Loki # 22

Dear Loki,

I have been giving some thought to what you've suggested. I honestly don't feel like I'm up for the task. Still, you, Freyr, and Odin are all of a mind that I can get three books written by the end of summer. I am going to give it my best effort. Thinking about summer has me really intimidated. My mental health hasn't been all that great over the last few months and I'm reluctant to say that the medication adjustment has resolved everything. I feel like I can't fully trust it. The last medication adjustment only lasted a few months before it started to lose effectiveness.

This whole business with my mental health has been really frustrating. You've been really awesome about helping me keep my proverbial shit together. I really appreciate it. The fact that you have helped me calm down in the midst of a panic attack is solid gold. I will confess, it was eerie to go from panic to complete calm with out dissociating. It was like some switch in my head got flipped and I suddenly gave no fucks whatsoever about being in that crowded location. Freyr suggests that I can learn that skill. I have been kinda confused by this. But, I've been talking with Odin, as you have encouraged, and doing the exercises he gave me.

Speaking of exercise, I've been more active about physical exercise. I am pleased to report that I walked 2.5 miles today despite my knees giving me a lot of trouble. I'm paying for it somewhat by how much they're aching right now, but it will pass. I am at something of a loss for yoga. I know that you think it would be really awesome for me. I think you may have a point and it would probably be easier on me then aggressive strength training or running (which always comes to mind when I think about exercise for some reason). I could come up with a dozen excuses for why I am not doing it but, honestly, I am intimidated by it. Your arguments that it would improve my sex life hasn't exactly helped make the prospect less intimidating, by the way.

I have been getting more spinning related stuff done. Last week I washed up about a pound of wool. I need to card or comb it before I can spin it. I don't think I did stuff right in washing the brown colored wool in the batch of samples. I didn't handle it very much (really, I didn't handle it at all) but somehow it seems a bit felted. I am coming down the home stretch with the dark blue silk that I have been spinning. I will be taking a break from spinning silk to get some of that batt of raspberry colored wool spun. That idea you had for how to improve my homemade distaff was brilliant. It is working out really well. Thanks again for the suggestion. It never would have occurred to me to try putting one of the drawer pulls I had been using to make little drop spindles on the end of the stick. And the wood glue seems to be holding really well.

I am running out of coherent things to write and Thor is on his way through. I'm hoping the thunder storm will knock some of the humidity out of the air. It's hard enough to sleep with my chronic nightmares. This sticky, hot, and humid weather isn't exactly making that easier either. The front is supposed to pass through tonight and we'll be in the 60s tomorrow. I hope it doesn't cause any problems for Snuggle Bug's school field trip tomorrow. I'll catch up with you again soon. Give my love to Sigyn.

Letters to Loki # 21

Dear Loki,

I feel like the village idiot right now. I'm really upset over losing my favorite pen. So upset that I find myself half on the verge of tears over it. There is no rational reason for this. Yes, I lost my favorite pen. But it's just a pen and I have a similar one that I can use right now.

It kinda encapsulates today. The morning was fun with laundry (and I lack the verbage to adequately express the sarcasm here). I tried to get some writing done but I was interrupted. I didn't have my favorite pen then either, but I was just happy with the cheapie that I had at the time. I kinda found myself in a position of somewhat forced socialization.

On one hand, I'm pleased with how that turned out. I think I may have someone buying my book because of it. At the same time, I was upset because I really wanted to write more in my journal. Then I got home and I tried to work on some other things but it just didn't work out. Right now, I'm cooking dinner and half expecting that to go sideways on me. (I know, that type of attitude invites trouble. I'm not having much success adjusting it right now.)

The thing that really makes me mad is the fact that I should have had a good day today. I got a bunch of stuff done. I averted a problem. And I even managed to have the kids behave despite being stuck in the house all afternoon. But I'm tired, upset, and angry. I guess it is because of my brain chemistry, but it feels like a pathetic excuse.

I've been forcing myself not to start worrying over things. I guess that may be part of the crankiness too. I don't know. I just hope that tomorrow goes better. And that my damn pen turns up.

Letters to Loki # 20 : I am thankful.

Dear Loki,

It's been a rough week. At the same time, I've been taking your advice to heart and trying to focus on the things I am thankful for compared to where I was not so long ago. It kinda baffles me that a year ago [I can't say for certain it was a year because my sense of time is so messed up by my medications and psych issues. :( ] I was in the hospital for suicidal depression. As much as I have been struggling, I am not at that point and I am deeply thankful for it.

I had my plans for a garden go sideways on me but I found soil to use in my containers for dirt cheap. (Yes, I used the pun. I would have found a worse one but it wasn't worth digging up.) I am beginning to make peace with the absence of the trees behind the building. I will confess, I am glad that we have a lot less mosquitoes. I have been noticing more birds at the feeders and focusing on that rather then the mess that has been coming with it.

I am not very good at being patient with myself but I am making an effort not to push myself too hard before I am ready. I am somewhat disappointed that I don't have it in me to do more right now. Still, I find I can do more then I could a few days ago and that is something that I am glad of.

I also did as you suggested and talked with Freyr about all the things I've been worried about. And, again, you were right. I was over thinking everything and letting my anxiety run the show again. I know I need to stop bottling up my anxiety and start confronting it face on when it pops up. I think I have a long way to go before I can take that in stride.

I don't think it was a coincidence that over the last few days my arthritic knees have been functionally keeping me at home when I've been really restless. I guess I need to slow down and focus on getting my immediate environment under some measure of control rather then running away from it. Which, I admit, I was doing some of last week. Ok, I was doing a lot of it.

I keep staring at the knitting project I've been working on and wishing it would finish itself. I'll be glad to give that to my sister-in-law when it is done. I have no idea where to start with the sampler I was stitching. I just stare at it blankly for several minutes and then put it back into the canvas bag where I've been keeping it. I know that I need to do more artistic expression. I just find myself at a loss for where to begin. It's all rather overwhelming.

I'm sure I will figure it out. It's great that you are willing to just share coffee with me and hang out. It helps a lot when I have days where I'm feeling really lonely. Also, those ideas you've thrown out on how to deal with the kids have been solid gold. I'm a little intimidated with where things are going on that front, but I'm going to do as you encouraged and deal with each thing as it is presented.

It's funny, actually. So many people think of you as the random clown or the scary guy who destroys everything they've attempted, but not too many folks seem to think that you are practical and a problem solver. Sure, some of your solutions are unorthodox, but they work and that is what matters, right?