Dreams

Waning Gibbous Harvest Moon (Age: 19 days)

Sign: Gemini

Weather: Cool, cloudy with a threat of rain

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Last night was really busy on the dreamscape. The first one that I had, I was sitting at a bus stop, waiting for a bus to go to Marketplace mall. (Mind you this place is about 2 hours away via the bus route that comes through here. It is 20 miles away from where I live. This is part of the reason why I'm glad we own a car.) Two things struck me as odd, which jarred me into lucid dreaming. The first was that my sleepy little town looked like it was a suburb of Baltimore. The other thing was the fact that there were no people around but myself, despite the fact that it was the middle of the day.

Shortly after I transitioned into lucid dreaming, a man in a dark blue dyed leather long coat and a brown wide brimmed hat pulled down low walked up and sat down beside me. He was not a small man by any stretch of the imagination. Very tall and broad of shoulder, I knew that between his manner of dress and his size, it was Odin.

I looked over at him and was surprised by two things. First, he had both eyes and, second, he appeared to be about my age rather than that of my father (or older). I greeted him with 'Hello, All-Father.' and he scoffed. Then he bemusedly chided me for being so formal and told me to call him dad. He reached into a pocket of his jacket and pulled out a fixed blade knife. 

It looked similar to my ritual knife (double edged, brass pommel and cross guard, with a brown wooden grip) but the blade was 5 inches long rather than the 3 of my ritual knife. The sheath of the knife was black with a unicursal knotwork design in red. The longer I looked at the design, the more shapes I saw in it. The one that showed up the most was a snake. I saw a pair of birds in the pattern and a wolf as well. The three animals didn't surprise me that much. I mean, they are Odin's animals. It was the butterflies that threw me for a loop.

I was about to ask him about it when he said, "You need a new knife. Take it." I reached over to take it and a queer feeling passed over me. I felt like my skin was tight, dry, and itchy. Like all of it was dead and needed to come off. He said, "That's the snake. You need to shed your skin too. This doesn't fit you any more. Change or die. And I'd prefer change for you." That strange sensation went away and I heard Huginn and Muninn calling, though I couldn't see them. He smiled as I looked around for them before setting a hand on my shoulder.

That was when I had the feeling of one bird perched on my left shoulder and the other on my knee. I couldn't see them, but I could hear them and feel them there. I was confused because their calls weren't very loud. They were actually pretty quiet. I suspect they were restraining themselves because of how close they were to me. "They are always with you. Yes, they fly the Nine Worlds and about Midgard, but they are with you. If you need me, call out. They will tell me and I will come," he explained, "I will always come. Because you are my daughter."

The wolves came out of a shadow that was literally on the side of the building. There was no place they could have been because they came out of the side of a building where the shadow lay. It was kinda weird, but I'm coming to the conclusion that weird just happens with gods involved. I don't think it is something that Loki has cornered the market on, yet. (And yes, I think there is playful rivalry between him and Odin for strangeness. Because I've noticed that they have a similar sense of humor.) Freki and Geri approached and sat down between us.

Freki headbutted my right knee until I finally scratched him between the ears. The wolves acted just like domesticated dogs. Their tails wagged happily as they got pets. Freki moved a bit and Geri got pets while Freki just leaned against my legs and wagged his tail. They seemed really happy and really sweet. It was totally not what I expected. Odin watched me as I petted the wolves. As I got comfortable with them, he just had a huge smile. Like he was watching a kid get a Yule gift they always wanted. I looked at him, kinda confused by the smile. He told me, "They'll come to you when you need protection. They will drive away danger and defend you, and your children. You are now part of their pack," he said sounding like he was going to start chuckling at any moment, "You know how wolves are about their pack."

Then asked him why I saw the butterflies. He scooted closer and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. He gave me a hug and said, "Why, that's you." I wanted to ask him more questions but he stood up. The ravens vanished from where they were perched on me to be visibly perched on his shoulders. The wolves came to his side as he set a hand on the crown of my head. He didn't say anything, but I knew that he blessed me. I felt this curious combination of warmth and chill come from his hand and go over me. It was confusing. He then said to me, "Be good." before walking off into the shadows and vanishing.

I wasn't confused by the 'be good' comment. I know exactly what he is talking about. I'm a little conflicted on how I feel about his casual, and really subtle, acknowledgement of the D/s thing going on between Loki and I. A part of me is kinda uncomfortable and feeling like something that should be super private isn't now. Another part of me is relieved that he isn't upset with me and my submissive role. It's a conflicted thing for me. I'm sure that it will resolve eventually. And I'm pretty sure that Loki will have something to say about my feeling conflicted. He usually has opinions on my getting like that over stuff.

I am a little concerned about the fact that Odin didn't include Beloved in the people that his wolves will protect. Loki assures me that it is because Beloved doesn't need supported defense like I do or is defenseless like the kids. The gods and the dead always tell me not to worry so much about Beloved because he's got everything squared away. It is hard to keep that in mind, to be honest.

The other dream I had was of Loki. I'm not surprised, looking back on it all, that where one went the other showed up. This dream, however, wasn't the kinky stuff that has been happening a fair amount of late. Thankfully, it wasn't him and I fighting again either. We were back at the river from my other dream. I was kinda worried about having to do the bucket thing again, but it didn't happen. Instead, there was the upstream portion of the river where all the rocks were getting a rime of ice over it and the downstream part of the river where the pools were that were steaming slightly. Somehow, I knew it was because those waters were almost boiling hot.

I was going to ask Loki why the water was like that when he shoved me and I fell into the water. At first I was worried that I was going to be burned or get dangerously cold as I fell. Then I hit the water and things got really weird. Like, through the looking glass kind of weird. I fell through the water into another place. It was dark in there. I couldn't fully recognize it because of how dark it was but it felt uncomfortably familiar.  It was like I fell through a doorway and managed to catch myself right before I completely fell to the ground. I took a few steps forward and then Loki followed me through that 'door'. 

I was getting progressively more and more anxious and uncomfortable standing there. "Need a light?" Loki asked and I just wanted to go back through that 'door' and get out of the little room that felt full of stuff. Then Loki turned on a light and I immediately knew why I felt anxious and a little sick standing there. We were standing in the room that N. raped me in. I wanted to demand to know why we were there when the door that was to the room rattled and the light went out. I knew exactly what was going to happen next. I saw the door open and myself and N. walk into the room. I turned away so I couldn't see what was going to happen more as the memory played out (weirdly with me as an observer rather than experiencing it).

Loki put his hands on my shoulders and turned me around. I saw things starting to unfold and I closed my eyes. Loki told me to open them. I wanted to argue with him when he said I needed to see it. I could hear myself telling N. to stop and I started shaking. I felt like I was going to be sick. He said I needed to open my eyes to see that what I remember was real. I started to cry. I told him that I wanted to forget.

He wasn't angry or upset in any fashion. He was actually very calm and compassionate when he said, "You will never forget the moments that define you. Even when you think you have." I covered my face with my hands as I listened to things happening, and I started crying. Loki stepped up close behind me and wrapped me up in a big hug. "You haven't lost your mind," he said, "All of this is real. All of your memories are just that, memories. You would never make something like this up. You would lie to tell people you are fine or not afraid. You would lie to hide what you think is a weakness or any evidence of it. Believe yourself. Trust your memories."

Things changed somehow. It was no longer dark and the air felt warm. Loki told me to open my eyes and I discovered we were back at the river's edge. Loki was still holding me but I was standing so that I was facing him with my hands on his chest. He said solemnly, "Believe in yourself. You do not lie." He then added with a fond smile, "And when you try, you don't do it very well." I was still feeling upset, sick, and scared. Loki just held me as I kinda cried and tried to speak at the same time. I managed to get out that I didn't want it to be real. He got this sad, knowing look on his face. That was when he told me, "I know. I know exactly how it is. But you can not change it. This is what is. This is what happened. You can not push it away or will it into non-existence. Not even gods can do that. Trying will only break you. Stop fighting it. Let your tears flow."

He smiled a little bit and then said, "That's what Freyja would want, you know." I tried to get angry and push all the painful feelings away, but I couldn't. Then I just sobbed and felt like I was broken by how I just lost it. I started crying and I just couldn't stop. Each time I tried to stop, I hurt more and I cried harder. Loki just held me and smoothed my hair. He muttered soothing things and reassuring things to me. After a while, I stopped crying.

It wasn't because the pain was gone. It wasn't because the grief or the feelings of guilt were gone. I just, couldn't do it. Loki just said very quietly, "And there it is." I didn't understand. I woke up still confused by that.

Old note from Loki.

Waning Gibbous Harvest Moon (Age: 18 Days)

Sign: Taurus

Weather: Cool, partly cloudy

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I was going through my notes for my fantasy series when I found an old message from Loki sitting there. I don't remember writing it down. I think it was a case of him borrowing my hands for a little bit. He does that sometimes. This note is almost ten years old. I am kinda surprised by it, because it is super relevant to what has been going on.

Forget me. Forget everything you claim to know. Greater truths reside in the universe than what is confined in your puny skull. Oh, the matter protected by that cave-like bit of stone is precious. Don't let anyone fool you on that one. But it is no more precious than a pebble if it is not used.

A diamond is nothing more than a rock. Less useful than coal, but held up with great reverence and value. I say to you, why do we value the diamond more than coal? Oh, the answers you'd give are obvious. "Because diamonds are rare. Because they're worth lots of money. Traditionally, they mean many wonderful things and have always been the property of the wealthy."

You wouldn't say so if you were freezing to death. You'd throw it away as a bit of trash in favor of the common coal that would save your life. Remember this parable of the diamond.

I don't know how this fits into what I've got going on. But it feels like it is really relevant to everything. It feels so important and relevant that it is going to bother me that I can't pin down exactly why. I now, however, remember why the line 'puny god' was so hilarious. That was a long set up for the joke. But he does stuff like that, because that's just what Loki does.

A video, as requested by Loki

Waning Gibbous Harvest Moon (Age: 18 Days)

Sign: Taurus

Weather: Cool, partly cloudy

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I have no idea why, but Loki requested that I make a little video and post it up. I don't really have anything to say. But he wanted me to make the video and remind people that he loved them. So, here's my video. I apologize if it is really derpy.

Things have been better this week. I have been making a point of using neutral self talk when I can't use something nice. It is really hard because I keep catching myself saying things like 'I'm so stupid.' when I make a mistake. I don't know how I feel about this video, to be honest. There is literally zero point in it beyond showing my face and telling people that Loki loves them (in my opinion). But, Loki says it is important to helping me break this habit of negative self talk, so I did it.

I know there is a method to what he is up to. I just don't get it. But, I don't get what Loki does most of the time. Sometimes he pauses to point out the logic of it. Most of the time I'm just baffled and go along to see what the end result will be. I am doing my best not to question everything. I catch myself about to ask what the point to stuff is or why I am important in any fashion. It is just as hard to keep myself from doing that as it is to stop this negative self talk thing.

My mistakes, however, are being tolerated because I try to fix them as soon as they happen. This whole practicing kindness towards myself feels awkward and uncomfortable. Freyr assures me that it will get better as I keep doing it. He's been talking to me about my writing stuff. I am somewhat intimidated by this whole posting on different topics as per a schedule. I kinda worry that I am going to have this flame out like it did the last time. Loki and Freyr are assuring me that this time it is different.

So, I am going to trust them and keep at it. And if I get sick and find myself unable to post, I will at least note that I am not well and will return to that topic when I am better. Speaking of getting back to things, I have returned to revising stuff on the fantasy series I'm writing. It is kinda boring right now. I want to start writing book six but revision is important. As per Odin's advice, I am making a point of organizing everything but it's rough with so many books. 

I got a very strong shove to get to work on putting stuff into order last night when I got many error messages on the desktop that I was running out of memory. I'm pretty sure that was engineered by the All Father. So, I spent my evening going through files rather than watching cat videos on Youtube. I have no idea what I'm doing with this stuff. I mean, I am ok on the write-read-revise-rewrite process. That is the only part of all this that I know what I'm doing. Odin keeps nudging me to do more to promote my stuff but I've been balking because I'm afraid of rejection.

His answer to this is "If there is no hope, then there is nothing to lose. Try anyways." So, I'm posting stuff on Twitter (my handle on there is @Lady_Brythwen). This whole process feels like the emotional, mental, and psychic equivalent to the discomfort of when the wound drain was pulled out after I healed up from my appendectomy. (I can't believe that was 8 years ago, where did the time go?) I feel things shifting around inside of me. It is uncomfortable. Honestly, it kinda hurts and it is a bit scary. They keep telling me that I'll be fine. Actually, Freyr's cheerful words of encouragement last night when I brought this up was, "You'll be better than fine."

I laughed when he said it. It was a turn of phrase that I'd have expected from Loki not Freyr. He, however, has been making a point of doing things that I hadn't expected for a few days now. And, like Loki and my dozen spirit companions (honestly, I have no idea how many of the dead are around me. I turn around and there's new ones all the time. It's frustrating and weird.), Freyr has been telling me that I don't laugh enough and I take myself far too seriously. I have no idea what to say to that, if anything.

Basic hex breaking spell.

Full Harvest Moon (Age: 15 days)

Sign: Aires

Weather: Cool, rainy

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This spell is a good general purpose spell for breaking hexes.¹ It is not very complicated and the resources for it are fairly easy to acquire. It can be worked at any phase of the moon, but it is most effective during the waning phase.

Items Needed:

• 3, 5, or 7 thorns (ground to powder in a mortar and pestal)
• fireproof container with a layer of sand
• charcoal
• source of open flame (a lighter works for this)

Ritual

1. Place the charcoal into your fireproof container. Light it.
2. After the charcoal is no longer emitting open flame, drop powdered thorns on to it. Recite incantation while doing so.
3. Let charcoal burn to ash. Dispose of the ashes by burying in a place they will not be disturbed or into running water. (Yes, turning on the sink and casting the ashes into the stream will work in a pinch.)

Incantation

Burn away. Burn away to ash. Curses, baleful malice, and harm passes away. Your power is ashes, blown away with the wind

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1. I use the term hex here in the colloquial sense, meaning a malevolent spell or psychic assault.

Letters to Loki No. 35

Full Harvest Moon (Age: 14 days)

Sign: Aires

Weather: Cloudy, light rain, warm

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Dear Helpingest of Helpers,

I am really glad that I have been up all morning. I have had a really productive day so far. And the best part is that I'm not manic. I'm just awake, alert, and well rested. I feel like myself pre-bipolar. It is a feeling that I relish. I spend so much time depressed and not feeling well, this is a delightful change. I am trying to decide what I am going to do next, because I just finished up doing a bunch of writing. I feel that I need to take a break, I just can't decide if I'm going to wash dishes or fold laundry.

I have been thinking about the arguments we had last week. I really do see your point. I am not entirely sure how to resolve the problem, though. I know that my self-talk is really horrible when I feel depressed. And apparently when I don't sleep well it just makes it worse. I feel like changing it is going to take forever. It makes me frustrated and a little cranky. That is, when I am in my right mind. When I'm not well, it just makes everything awful and me ready to fight at the drop of a hat. I am really sorry about that.

I am looking at today and trying to decide what to do with this gift. Because today's feeling well really is a gift. A part of me wants to do something special but I am kinda drawing a blank. I am glad that you enjoyed the wine I poured out for you last night. It really is a surprisingly nice one for being so inexpensive. It makes me smile that you also enjoy the sweet wines too. Sweet alcohol is awesome. On your suggestion of getting that Gumption cider from Woodchuck, that is probably the best hard cider I have had in a long time. Seriously, thank you for pointing it out to me. I noticed it was the last one on the shelf. I hope that this doesn't mean it was the last of the stock, because I'm thinking about getting some more next week.

I laughed as I was getting ready to write that post about cartomancy and the joker kept jumping out of the deck. I know it is your card. It still made me giggle. Especially with you saying 'hey, watch this. imma gonna do a magic trick.' I'm glad that you are feeling happy and silly right now. It is good to have someone to be silly with.

Yes, I get the point.

Waxing Gibbous Harvest Moon (Age: 11 Days)

Sign: Pisces

Weather: Warm, fair skies, light breeze

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So, the last several days had me arguing with Loki. Freyr basically threw up his hands after I was bickering with him, over the same matter, and told Loki he could deal with it. This turned in to him and I have a couple of loud arguments. And, in the end, I was upset with myself, the situation, and my psych issues. I also conceded the point that they had been making. While Loki and Freyr assure me that they're not upset with me, I still find myself concerned that they are.

What were we arguing about? My lack of faith in myself. My stubborn insistence that I do everything myself, even when I actually do need help. My resistance to accepting that there are wonderful qualities about myself. I feel kinda ashamed that I argued over this stuff. I am not happy with these qualities about myself and I have been trying to resolve the problems they create. But sometimes I can't manage it because I get so caught up in the unhealthy thinking that fuels them.

After seeing me flail around with it for the umpteenth time, Freyr decided he had to have a conversation with me about it. It started off pleasant. It was clear he is concerned and wants to help me. Then I got this wrongheaded idea that I couldn't be helped and that I deserved all the misery I was putting myself through. Freyr tried to get me to see reason but I just couldn't do it. That was when he threw up his hands and told Loki it was his turn to try.

Loki didn't start off with something sweet and calm. No, he barged in like the Kool Aid man and demanded to know why I did this stuff to myself. This turned into my arguing that it wasn't his problem. That was the wrong thing to say. Did he ever get angry with that, oh boy. I suppose that you could say it was when the fight started. Things quickly progressed to my screaming at him that he was wrong about me, that I genuinely didn't deserve help because I hadn't earned it, and this convoluted thing where I was basically regurgitating all of the negative stuff I had said to me when I was young. And he was shouting back at me that I needed to stop and listen to what was coming out of my mouth, that I had no clue about what was right or wrong about how others viewed me, and that I didn't get to choose if I had earned help or not. And I was quite loudly reminded that I don't get to choose how other people feel about me or what they do with respect to me.

I was kinda cowed into silence by that. I reluctantly conceded he was right. He just kinda fixed me with an irate glare, declared me damn stubborn, and went poof. There was a lot of silence after that. Most of the dead were quiet and basically staying the fuck out of the way in case the fight started again. Silence like that, when I am used to there being some level of constant psychic background noise, makes me really uneasy. And, on top of that, the mental back brain chatter of characters for my writing was quiet. Like someone flipped a switch and nothing I could do turned it back on.

The next day, I guess it was around the middle of the day, Loki showed up. He was brooding and distinctly not happy with me. The second argument wasn't quiet as loud. He demanded to know if I 'got it.' I retorted that I had no clue what he was talking about. And things just kinda went downhill from there. The conclusion of that disagreement was Loki demanding to know why I wasn't going to let anyone help me when I needed it. I replied with I didn't deserve help. He got angry with that. He gave me a hard look and said something about 'Well, we're going to fix that." Then he went poof again. I felt awful about it all. Which moved from being upset that I had made him angry and made him worry to my kicking myself to my basically telling myself how worthless I was.

I was in the midst of that when Loki was back again. I had a vision of myself trying to fill a sieve with water and carry it to the river bank. Water kept pouring out, because it was a sieve. I kept getting angry and upset with it. And Loki sat on the other side of the river watching me. After the fifth or sixth iteration of this, he said, "You're using the wrong tool." and held up a bucket.  I opened up my mouth to argue that the sieve was the tool I was given to complete the task. He cut me off saying, "All of your anger wont fill the holes. It wont magically turn the water into ice."

I shouted at him, "What the hell am I supposed to do when the damn bucket is on the other side of the river? I can't fucking swim this." That was when he smiled, this was a distinct difference from when I had previously started arguing with him. It was a suggestive look. I guess a part of me would have gotten uncomfortable with it in the middle of this context but I was too angry to be anything other than angry. 

He holds up the bucket and says in a suggestive tone, "You could always ask me to bring it to you. I'll do it for a price." That made me so angry that I couldn't speak. After a little bit of glaring at him and wanting to throw the sieve at him, I did manage to get something out.

I spat in a bitter tone, "There's always a price. Anyways, this is something I'm supposed to do on my fucking own." He laughed at me. Proceeded to tell me how attractive I was when I was angry. Which again had me speechless with anger. Then he said added something to the effect of 'you don't think clearly when you're angry, do you?' That was when Loki basically turned into two different versions of himself. One was the world breaker aspect and the other was the trickster aspect. (I see them both differently. I may be weird, but it is how it happens for me.)

Trickster!Loki is by my side on the bank with World-Breaker!Loki on the other side holding the bucket. Trickster!Loki says, "I could always push you in. Then it would be full all the time." I declared that Trickster!Loki wasn't helping and finally threw the sieve at the ground. Then World-Breaker!Loki said, "Well, there's..." and Trickster!Loki finished, "A step in the right direction." I wanted to throw something at him. I really did, I mean, I was so angry I was shaking. Then Trickster!Loki walked up and took my face in his hands as his eyes turned the color of World-Breaker!Loki's. I tried to look away, but he didn't let me. Then he asked me in a voice that was a combination of both aspect's voices, "Are you done being stubborn now?"

Then I started crying and tried to look away or turn away from him. Again, he didn't let me. He was very calm. All the anger from the last couple of days was never there, like it never happened. Instead, he asked me to let him help me. That was when I sobbed that I wasn't allowed. He brushed the tears off my cheeks with his thumbs and told me to let him love me. That just made me cry harder. His hands became very warm, like as if I had come in from the bitter cold and he put his hands, which were being warmed by a fire, against my cheeks. Feeling ugly from crying, I managed to choke out that I felt I was too scarred and ugly for him.

He laughed again and asked me if I had recently looked at his face. So, I try to hide my face in my hands, but he takes hold of them and presses them to his chest over his heart. I just stood there and cried. He told me, "Waking up is the most hopeful thing you can do when all you want to do is sleep. Eating is the most hopeful thing you can do when you want to starve. Continuing to try is the most hopeful thing to do when everything in you says it is hopeless. Staying alive is the most hopeful thing to do when all you want to do is die. And hope is courage."

Then everything changed. This time, I was at the water's edge with a bucket in my hands. I had it full of water and I was trying to pull it up out. He said, "Once more, with feeling." I felt heartbroken. He tells me that I paid his price with my honesty. As I try to lift the bucket out of the water, it is so heavy that it hurts my hands. As in, it hurts them to the point where I start to cry in frustration and pain. Then he steps up to my side and puts his hands over mine. He tells me not to give up. I keep trying to raise it up and the pain is such that my hands feel like they're burning, and the bucket is only a few inches up out of the water. He keeps encouraging me. When my strength starts to fail, he tells me to keep trying. I weep that I can't because I'm not strong enough. He laughs and teases me about the kinks I have. 

Somehow, we get the bucket out of the water and carry it to the side of the river. I'm hurting so much that I can't speak or see straight. After the bucket gets set on the ground, I hold my hands against myself, just wordlessly crying in pain. Loki takes me in his arms. Praises me for being stubborn and brave. He kisses my palms and the pain recedes. He tells me that it will be easy now that the first bucket is out. He tells me that he is going to help me. I start to argue that I am not allowed help and he cuts me off telling me, "I'm going to help you. If you want it or not."

I've been thinking about the bucket thing. I've been thinking about the arguments. And I've been thinking about my psychological problems. I think the bucket thing was referencing my work to resolve my psych problems. Right before I posted this, I think I got a message from him. A meme randomly flashed up on my facebook before vanishing (and I can't find it now for the life of me). The meme said, "You believed in Santa for 8 years. You can try believing in yourself." And I think, I'm not sure, but I think that's where all of this is leading.

I think it is another case of walk forward or be dragged, either way I'm going forward.

How to create a basic talisman.

Waxing Harvest Moon (Age: 9 days)

Sign: Capricorn

Weather: Seasonable, fair skies

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Items required:

• small object that can be carried on one's person or worn
• blessed salt water
• lit stick of incense

Ritual:

1. Hold object in the hand which is used to project energy (most frequently the dominant hand).
2. Envision the object filling with energy focused upon the purpose of the talisman.
3. When object feels 'full' pass it through the incense smoke, sprinkle with salt water, and recite incantation.
4. Carry or wear object regularly in order to use. If you feel it is losing effectiveness, cleanse the object and repeat the ritual.

Incantation:

This [name of object] is blessed with [purpose] energy. It is full and powerful. Let this power be fixed by fire and air. Let this power be fixed by water and earth. As I will, so shall it be.

Notes: 

Incantation can be adapted to different purposes. Keep the lines from "It is full ..." onward. Can include appeal for deities to bless object.

Letters to Loki No. 35 - Improvements.

Dear Loki,

Over the course of last week, I found myself gradually feeling better mood wise. I'm now back at my normal middle of the road mood. I am glad that I am feeling better because it is awful to feel that way. I have been doing my best not to resist the cycling of my moods but I have to consciously remind myself of that. Maybe after a little while, I will get better about it. Right now, I am just doing my best to treat myself with compassion and stop putting ridiculous demands on myself.

I have reached a point where I have found all of my volumes of my book of shadows. I have been flipping through them and feeling a mixture of overwhelmed by how much material is there and nostalgic. The stuff from my early days of this journey is so idealistic. There's a measure of romanticism there that is somewhat charming. Also, I find the attempts of my younger self to explain magic to be amusing to read.

I am in the early stages of organizing that whole mess. I've got a notebook that I am writing all the spells in. I am amused that so far I have more curses in here than anything else. I don't curse people often but I seem to have collected a number of them over the years. In looking at the trends, you can see where my interests and curiosity have gone over the years. The more 'left hand path' type of magic is a consistent thing in my research and study. I suppose my attempts to understand and be adequate with that type of magic has been a big portion of my studies over the years. I can't help but be a little bit amused by all of this.

Spell to Ward off Ill Wishes

Waxing Harvest Moon (Age: 6 days)

Sign: Sagittarius

Weather: Fair skies, seasonable temps

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This spell is a simple one. With only five steps, it is a good one for beginners and experienced practitioners alike. I have found this to be useful to keep the malefic magic of others out of my home. It can also be repeated and used in a work environment, simply keep the jar on your desk. If you are using this spell in a location where others might be inquisitive about it, you may want to use a jar with opaque glass or colored glass. This way it looks to be more of a decorative object than something just sitting with no apparent purpose.

Items Needed:

• 1 small glass jar with lid
• 10 to 20 slips of paper
• Crumpled scraps of paper that will fill the jar
• Red inked pen
• Sealing wax

Ritual:

1. Select one slip and write your name on it. On remaining slips, write gibberish. Fold all slips.
2. Fill jar with slips of paper and crumpled paper at random intervals. Use first intonation as completing this step.
3. Draw an eye on the inside of the lid. Use second intonation while completing this step.
4. Close jar and seal with wax. Use final intonation for this step.
5. Place sealed jar at entrance into dwelling, where it may be visible. 

Intonations:

1. Many slips of paper lie. Many scraps between. Never shall you find me with your baleful eye.
2. Watchful gods and spirits turn away the evil eye.
3. Safety and goodness sealed within, let my magic's might begin. 

Letters to Loki No. 34 - Screaming mad?

Hail Chaos Bringer,

I've been really struggling with my bipolar. I have been feeling like my body has betrayed me and that all of this is a result of my not being strong enough to resist it. I grieve and then I am numb. Then shaking fury rolls over me and I have to work very carefully not to let it loose on undeserving victims. I feel like I'm tumbling into screaming madness.

It is very, very hard to resist the urge to fight this descent. I hate the sensation of falling now. When I was small, I loved it because it felt like flying. Somewhere over the years, the feeling of falling became connected with pain and powerlessness. Thus, as I fall deeper into depression, I grow more panicked. From the panic come anger. And the anger terrifies me, which makes me even more fearful. Which depresses me further even as I get angrier. I am struggling not to turn this anger on myself but it is very, very difficult.

I know the plane is crashing. I know I need to jump and parachute to safety. I also know that if I don't jump, you'll kick me out of the plane. I don't know, have I just jumped, am I jumping, or did I get kicked out of the plane? I can't tell anymore. All I know is that I feel horrible and I'm rapidly feeling worse with each passing day.

I'm terrified of hearing the voices again. I have been having headaches, like I do when the voices try to breakthrough the medication. I am so afraid that I am literally shaking as I type this. What if I'm not strong enough to resist them? What do I do? You're smart. You can talk your way out of anything, just about. Perhaps you can help me figure out some sort of clever words to calm my mind or at least outfox this fear.

Letters to Loki No. 33: Writing it all down.

Dear Silver Tongue,

I have been working on recording all of my spells in one place as you have encouraged me to do so. I'm starting with the ones that I haven't had written down. As I have been working on this, I have come to the conclusion that I know quite a few curses. It is interesting, because I don't use curses very often. Still, they seem to outnumber the other spells.

My love spells are a lot more fancy than the curses. Well, most of the curses. I have one that has quite a few steps. I find myself wondering if the love spells are low on my list of spells because I haven't had to use them very much at all. My healing spells are almost as high in number as my curses, thus far. I am not sure how to classify some of my other spells, however. This business of organizing my magic notes is becoming more complicated with each page.

Either way, however, I will get this done. I hope that I can find more 'happy' spells because thus far the ledger falls more on the unpleasant side.

Curses: Thorns

Old Corn Moon (Age: 28 days)

Sign: Virgo

Weather: Fair skies, seasonable

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

This is an inversion of my hex/curse breaking spell. When casting a curse, be aware that some measure of the energy will come back to you. Distancing yourself from the physical materials that are still charged with the curse reduces the degree of that energy returning to you. Proper disposal of spell materials can serve to ground the energy coming back to you off of the curse.

Items Needed:

• 1 candle (preferably black, but any other color may work. A candle chosen with the color associated with the target will be especially effective if you do not have a black candle.)
• scented oil with a fragrance associated with the target
• 3, 5, or 7 thorns (well dried out and sharp)
• source of open flame (a lighter is a good option)

Procedure:

1.  Anoint the candle with the oil, envisioning the candle as the target of the spell.
2. Drive your thorns into the candle at random intervals, seeing them in your mind's eye stabbing the target. Hold this focus through the next two steps.
3. Burn the candle completely.
4. Recite the following incantation whilst burning candle.
5. Bury any left over wax and the thorns where the target may come into contact with them. (i.e. a place they would step over them or physically come into contact with them.) 
6. If target is long distance, bury the remains where refuse is disposed. (Disposing of them in the garbage is a good option.)

Incantation:

All sorrows befall you. All evil strikes you. No safety awaits you. Endlessly, I curse you, [target's name] by flame and pain to misery and strife in all your life. 

Awkward things re: gods and their wants.

Last Quarter Corn Moon (Age: 22 days)

Sign: Gemini

Weather: Hot, sultry, and uncomfortable

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Sometimes the gods specifically request things that I'm not 100% comfortable with. I recognize that a lot of my hang ups are unhealthful for me. And that these requests are serving a dual purpose. That said, it gets really awkward on a semi-regular basis now. I think the most difficult thing for me, right now, is the devotional erotica. Because most of what I have been writing is what I've experienced with them. And I have never been fully comfortable talking about my sex life. I have a hard time writing erotic letters to my husband, whom I've know for 30+ years. And saying it verbally, that just doesn't happen with out my turning the color of a tomato.

Them wanting the last of the alcohol, which I was hoping to have, to them telling me how they want me to dress once in a while, it gets uncomfortable. I know that I have autonomy. I know that I can tell them know. I also know that telling them no leads to some upset and makes domestic harmony a bit challenging. The times where I've told them no, it is because I just can't bring myself to do something. And they will grumble about it but let the matter drop for a while. Then they ask again, because I might have changed just enough that it will be possible.

The one thing that they've never asked is for me to put aside my health and welfare. (In fact they get quite upset when I am not taking care of myself properly. And, boy, do I hear about it.) And they've never asked that I compromise my relationships with my husband or my children. And I don't think they'll ever do that. I think that gods have hard limits too. And those might be two of 'em.

I try to push through the awkwardness and make things happen. It doesn't go gracefully or as I think it should in my ridiculously excessively high standards. But, it gets done. And I guess that is what matters. I can be uncomfortable and still do things.

Defensive Confusion Counter spell No.2

Items needed:

• candle
• 4 mirrors arranged in an open box shape
• source of live flame (a lighter is an acceptable option.)
• anointing oil or a bit of your personal scent (i.e. perfume or cologne)

Ritual:

1.  Create ritual space as per preferred methods. Invoke spiritual allies and helpers as needed.
2. Place the candle within the center of the box formed by the mirrors. Ensure the mirrors are aligned to reflect each other and the candle as completely as possible.
3. Anoint the candle and envision your energy streaming into the candle.
4. Light the candle while reciting the incantation.
5. Allow candle to burn down completely.
6. Place wax remnants in a secure location where they can not be disturbed. Inside a small glass container and buried at a secret location is traditional.

Incantation:
Countless flames burn. Only one is me. All your efforts to find me are lost in illusion. You shall weaken and I will remain free.

Notes regarding manifestation:

This spell has swift results. It enhances the effectiveness of psychic shields used by the caster. It serves to diffuse and scatter energy cast towards the defender.

Letters to Loki No. 32

Waning Corn Moon (Age: 17 Days)

Sign: Aries

Weather: Sultry, sunny, and still air

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Dear Sly One,

It has been difficult to write to you. I get anxious that what I have to say will annoy you or otherwise displease you. I have been working on the off-line journal, but that has been difficult too. I know that I need to get a better sense of my value. I know that I need to stop perseverating on all the things that could go wrong and just do it. It has been terribly hard to do it, though. My problems sleeping have returned. My anxiety is going up again. I know that this is the beginning of the bad time of year for me. I'm so angry, honestly, with the fact that it is happening again. I had this idea that with the right medications, I would be 'normal' and not have this disability.

I am getting to the point where I don't want to go out of the house again. I've been forcing myself to do it. The boys and I were at the park pretty much all day today and most of the day yesterday. My therapist says that isolating myself is a habitual thing and if I break the habit socializing wouldn't be so hard. I am attempting to just be physically in a location where I might interact with people. It is becoming hard to do. I just find myself wanting to hide from everyone and everything until this sense that I am awful will pass.

I have been forcing myself to work on my writing more. A part of me says I should give up on all this. It says that the lack of response from readers is a sign that what I'm writing is pretty much worthless. It says that I will never amount to anything with my writing and that it is a childish dream that has gone too far. I battle that voice in my head every day. I am hoping that writing in my therapy journal on a daily basis will help me process what ever is behind that horrible self talk. 

I know that you know what I'm struggling with. I know that you want to help me. And that you do, often when I don't have the presence of mind to ask for it. I still feel like this struggle is a sign that I am defective and that someone stronger wouldn't have these mood swings or anxiety. I'm pretty sure that is the fruit of how I was raised and how society treats mental illness. I don't like it. I try to keep it out of my thoughts but when I'm feeling like this, I just can't shake it.

I'm sorry. I don't know what I am apologizing for but I feel like I need to. So, I apologize. I love you Loki. I want to see you happy and prosperous. I don't want to hold you back from your joy. You've had so much sorrow. I want to give you greater joy to balance out all of the grief. I am, however, not feeling up to the task. I feel little, worthless, and hurt. I'm working on it with my therapist but I doubt how much it helps. I've been in therapy for the better part of 20 years. Wouldn't I have resolved some of this by now?

On godspousery

Waxing Corn Moon (Age: 8 days)

Sign: Sagittarius

Weather: Seasonable, fair skies

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I'm pushed by them to write this but it terrifies me. Signs have popped up like mushrooms after a night of rainstorms just further pushing that point. I feel a little sick with anxiety but the urge to write won't leave me. My courage falters at posting this on Veiled Witch. I can only hope that this post satisfies them at least long enough for me to catch my breath and find words for it all.

I bicker with Freyr as to if I am yet a spouse. I insist that there has been no formal wedding or rite between us. He usually laughs it off and says that I am welcome to my opinion. But over the last few days, his response is more firm. A laundry list of deities have declared me as his spouse, including his mother and sister. I stammer protestations that I can't possibly be so but Ingvi brooks no argument now. He demands that I put aside my 'childish, stubborn arguments' and step up. He has made very plain his position on the matter and apparently has hit the end of his rope with my reluctance to go along with it. He says "You can not argue the day into night. You can not argue a stone into sand. Stop and accept what is. Your argument won't change what is."

And then there is Loki. Ah gods, what manner of mess have I landed myself into here? Worldbreaker has gone from decades of 'yer cute but I'm not into you like that' to very suddenly the monster of all my dreams and fantasies that I never have breathed a word of with more than affection there. I would say love but it scares me to call it that. He knows where all the proverbial bodies are buried and helped me bury a few of 'em. Each secret I have, each little psychological button, and all the things I don't express; Loki knows all of them. And he intends to show them to Freyr. While Loki has not claimed me as bride in his words towards me, his demeanor very much says this.

I am very afraid right now. I fear I am in such deep water that I have no hope of surviving it. The thing I fear the most, however, is what they intend to give me. Freedom from the mental bondage I have been in for so long, it spurs this almost agoraphobic need for me to hide. But they're stripping away my walls and masks. They're placing me squarely where my needs can not be avoided, only met. And this terrifies me.

I silently scream that I don't deserve it. But the reply is that my opinions on what I deserve are irrelevant next to my needs. My terror is over being raised up from where I have fallen. I fear that I must not lift my head too high or reach too far. I fear something beyond the frustration of gods if I stand at my full stature, and I don't know what it is.

And so many gods right now in my life, they tell me it is time to walk forward or be dragged. And Loki promises that if I am dragged, I will enjoy every inch along the way, which only scares me even more. I can not flee. There is no where I can run because I am surrounded and all my cleverness fails to turn this aside.

My courage is faltering but I have given my word. What have I done?

Hail the All Father.

I was feeling miserable this morning after waking up from a nightmare and a stressful week. Then this popped up on my Facebook feed. The timing was amazing. I was feeling like a failure and a disappointment. Then I saw this and blinked. Then I smiled.

Thanks Odin, I needed that. Love you too.

Dreams and Nightmares.

Waxing Corn Moon (Age: 1 day)

Sign: Virgo

Weather: Hot, sultry &

partly cloudy skies

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Because my stress levels have been stupidly high, I have been having nightmares again. I've taken a bit of a risk by not taking my anti-nightmare recall med but I think I'm learning to regain some control over them. I don't remember much of my nightmares last night except that they were of fire. The last one I recall is the clearest, wherein I was trapped in a burning house. It became a lucid dream as the house caught fire and I attempted to change the dream. My efforts, however, somehow only served to make the fire (and my panic) even worse. In my distress in the dream, I screamed out to Loki for help.

There was utter silence and not even a ghost of his presence. He just wasn't there. So, I called out to Freyr. Then calm flooded through me and I was lifted out of sleep as Freyr held me and just said, "I'm here." When I reflected on it, I realized that Loki purposely wasn't there because I need to turn to Freyr more for help. I felt like an idiot when I realized that my habitual cry to Loki (who for the longest time was the only one whom I felt present and accessible, because Dea intimidated me so much she didn't feel accessible) was part of my problem. Fortunately enough, however, neither Loki or Freyr were irritated with me over it. Honestly, if I wasn't one to have fire nightmares when I got super stressed out, I would have suspected that the dream was engineered by Flame Hair himself as yet another shove to make me get over myself with respect to Freyr. To a small part, honestly, I do suspect him a little bit because of that sly look he gave me when I made the realization this morning as I was journaling.

When I'm not having nightmares, I'm have surreal dreams about the past. They're like seeing still snapshots of things that happened rather than reliving the trauma. And when they happen, I am not upset in any fashion. If anything, I'm annoyed. Freyr assures me that this is a sign that I am truly making progress integrating it all. I dearly hope that is the case. But, it is weird to see the terrible things happen in still images from random moments of the experience. I think the strangeness of it serves to insulate me from the horror to some extent. Thus, I am thankful for it.

Aside from the surreal dreams, I have started having a dream where a veiled female figure is sitting on a throne illuminated by some kind of spotlight in a dark hall. In the dream, I walk the length of the hall but it fades before I get close enough to see her clearly. While the Filianic interpretation of the dream would suggest either Sai Rhavë or, in the worst case, the Dark Queen, I don't think this is the case. In my past encounters with Sai Rhavë, she has appeared as a tall, solemn woman of great age whose manner of dress is akin to that of a Greek Orthodox woman in black. And she is always carrying a scythe or sickle. Also, Sai Rhavë appears to me standing in a field that has been or is being harvested. Sometimes she is holding dried flowers and other times a bowl with decaying fruit. But this veiled woman in my dream does not have any of the energy of Sai Rhavë to her. Nor does she have the ... menace of the Dark Queen.

I have felt a brush of the Dark Queen's energy. It was perhaps one of the most terrifying psychic experiences I have had. I could describe it, but I suspect that doing so would invite her attention. She is a thing of nightmares. She is the mother of all sorrows and agony. Even as I type this, I have made the sign of the Silver Star and give thanks for Sai Vikhë's protection. (Where Sai Vikhë appears for many to look like Athena or Kali, to me she looks alternately as a shield-maiden or a modern female infantryman. It is interesting to watch her interact with the gods. She and Freyja get on like a house afire. And they look almost to be sisters in apperance. It is fascinating.)

But this female figure, I am most certain it is not Hel. I have seen Hel. I have been in her hall and in her presence. This figure is not the Queen of the Dead. And this place is not Helheim. Helheim is not all darkness. It is not all austerity. It is a peaceful place where tired souls find their rest and comfort after the journey of life. This dark place that I have gone to in my dreams is a cold place and silent. Helheim is not silent. It may be still and quiet, but it is not utter silence like this place. It makes me question if this veiled woman is an aspect of my psyche and what she has to teach me.

Defensive confusion counter spell No. 1

Last Quarter Blue Moon (Age: 22 days)

Sign: Taurus

Weather: Cool, partly cloudy,

light breeze out of the west

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

This is a spell to use as a counter spell to someone ill wishing you or actually attempting to curse you. I have had fairly regular success with this one. It is an adapted version of a spell that I found in a D.J. Conway book. I have long forgotten what the book was and her title for the spell. I know that my version can be used with more or less candles, compared to the fixed number that she had.

Items needed:

• mirrored candle plate
• 6+ identical candles (Ideally enough to fit on the plate and fill it, I usually use tea lights.)
• Source of open flame (a lighter is a fine option for this)
• blessing oil or a bit of your personal scent (ie perfume or cologne)

Ritual:

1.  Create ritual space in the typical fashion for your practice. Invoke any spiritual allies that you require and make proper greetings and request for aid.
2. Pick one candle to represent you. Anoint it with the oil (also known as 'dressing' the candle) and attune it with yourself via projecting your personal spiritual energy into the candle.
3. Place your candle in the center of the candle plate. Arrange others around it.
4. Light central candle first.
5. Light other candles randomly.
6. Rearrange all the candles randomly whilst stating incantation.
7. Allow candles to burn completely.
8. Close ritual space and conclude your business with spiritual allies in manner that is customary.
9. Dispose of the candles remains in a manner that is ecologically sound.

Incantation:

6 (or however many candles in total) fires burn, one is me. Flames dance and flicker. Mirror reflects all you see but you can not tell which is me.

Notes:
The objective of this spell is to confuse the person targeting you for a spell. The candles act as illusions of yourself, which is represented by the dressed candle. Lighting them randomly and rearranging them randomly compounds the confusion in the caster because they can not tell which one is the source and which is the illusion. The mirror doubles this effect, adding an equal number of illusions plus one to the set.

Letters to Loki No. 31 (untitled)

Dear Loki,

I have been running in circles since my last letter trying to get everything done with getting The Dragon Child of Evandar to press. I'm at the point where the hard cover copies are out and available for purchase via Lulu.com and the paperback should be ready about the same time as the e-book. If everything works out right with that, it should be next week. I'm honestly nervous about all of this.

I know that you, Odin, and Freyr all want me to aggressively pursue making this happen. Looking at what all these 'sell your book' blogs have, I get the unpleasant butterflies in my stomach. It is a lot of meet the public kind of stuff and I get seized with this fear that I am going to make an idiot out of myself. I am going to make the effort, but I am scared. Like Freyr has said, courage is doing something despite the fear. As much as I am uncomfortable with this, I want to make it happen even more.

I am at something of a loss for how to proceed forward. These blogs have a laundry list of ideas where one can start. It is rather overwhelming. I feel like I should print the list off and throw a dart to pick where to begin. If you have any suggestions, that would be awesome. It isn't as bad as trying to make sense of the alphabet soup that is the information I've been reading about autism, but it is confusing. I know that I need to get more work out on the world building blog. These book blogs have been talking about posting daily and making regular posts via Twitter and Facebook focused on the work you're producing.

I have two entirely separate things going on and I don't know if just the one Twitter account is going to work well for it. I have my heart behind the fantasy novels but I have the witchery books that I am working on. You and Odin are right, by the way, there appears to be a really good market for 'em. The trick is making my 'brand' known and I'm a bit unsure what my 'brand' is. I'm sort of all over the place right now. How do I focus it all into one thing? I know I'll figure it out eventually. Right now, I am just trying to formulate my plan of attack with all of this.

I'm glad you enjoyed the pickled banana pepper. I still don't get how you insist it goes well with my super sugary coffee. The combination of vinegar with coffee is pretty bad to me but if it works for you, go for it. I made that set of prayer/worry beads like you suggested. They're sitting on the altar right now. I have no idea what to do with them. I have multiple sets and the ones that I made previously for my attempted Etsy shop. If you have someone you want me to send them to, let me know. Oh, one last note, picking the heroic kung fu music to accompany my post is pretty funny. You managed to make me grin with that one. Shufflemancy FTW!

Letters to Loki No. 30: WTF did I think I was doing?

Dear Loki,

I am sitting here looking at this project I am working on and quietly panicking. It is really frustrating. I know that part of my problem is I am getting the jitters because I'm about to take another big step towards getting this writing career off the ground. I still feel like I am doomed to screw this up. I know that is my anxiety talking. I really hate my anxiety. I feel like I should duct tape its mouth shut and throw it in a basement or something, but I can't because it doesn't work like that.

I have also been feeling overwhelmed by the volume of stuff I had to take care of today. I know that tomorrow will be a bit easier because I won't have the bills to worry about. And I got the whole kitchen clean, so there is one less thing to worry about there. Still, I just feel like this whole being a responsible adult business is more than what I signed up for. Then I remember, there was no way to avoid it and do my best to get over it.

I really want to get my writing stuff going well. I just wish I didn't get so scared of dealing with other people. That anxiety that leaves me speechless is horrible. And the mental fog that goes along with it is equally rotten. I keep telling myself today will be the day I go out and do something more, be more interactive with society, etc. Then I get to the end of the day, feeling exhausted and discouraged because I used up my proverbial spoons managing the house and just keeping things on an even keel.

I try not to get upset about it all. It is hard, though. I keep asking myself if neurotypical people are all doing a better job of handling this stuff and my problem is not that I have too many balls in the air but not enough capacity to juggle them. It's a really bad habit and I'm working on breaking it. My therapist says that it isn't fair of me to do that to myself because I'm basing my self worth on comparing myself to somebody else's good days. I know she has a big point. I just tend to forget it when I get stressed out.

I had something more I wanted to add but I forgot what it was when the computer crashed a few minutes ago. I suppose if it is important, I'll mention it when I talk to you later. If not, I probably won't remember it.

Signal Clarity & Ramblings

Waxing Blue Moon (Age: 10 Days)

Sign: Sagittarius

Weather: Humid, partly cloudy,

& seasonably warm

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A little while back, Freyr, Loki, and Odin told me that I needed to complete three books this summer. With my difficulty finding writing time, I began to panic a little. In my effort to feel as though I had actually accomplished something, I took out the boys' scrapbooks and started updating them. As I worked, I had this powerful sense of peace fill me. I no longer felt the frantic anxiety that I wasn't going to finish the deeds I was called to do in the time frame allotted. As I sat with that feeling, Freyr made his presence known. I asked him if this was what I was supposed to be working on. He nodded and smiled as he gave me a hug and kissed my temple.

As I am getting ready for the publication of book two of the fantasy series I am writing, Loki made himself quite impossible to ignore. (Not that I ignore him when he annoys me.) He was just about beside himself with excitement today as I posted the first of the several posts I will be making leading up to the release. That was when I realized this was one of the three books I was supposed to complete this summer. Between the two scrapbooks and this novel, I have three books I'm wrapping up this summer. I feel a bit silly for making myself panic over finishing others that I have partially written.

Some days, I get a message from the gods or the spirits and I understand it fairly well. Those are days where I have good signal clarity on my 'godphone'. Then there are the days where I misunderstand, misinterpret, or generally mess up the message. Those are the bad signal clarity days. Other psychics don't talk about it much, but they do happen on a fairly regular basis. I have noticed that my bad signal clarity days happen when I am really anxious or stressed out over something. I tend to overthink everything and make assumptions when I'm like that.

I suppose there is still something of a learning curve when you're doing psychic stuff, even if you've been at it for most of your life. In some cases, that learning curve is tied to the work you are doing. In other cases, like most recently for myself, it is tied to things regarding how you handle the work you are doing. Loki is right when he says I have a bad habit of taking on the biggest possible task I can at a given moment. He has been making strongly worded suggestions that I either deal with it in my therapy journal writing or some pointed discussions with my therapist.

When he hasn't been busy with his laser guided commentary on my issues, Loki has been trolling me. It seems like every time I'm out driving and he shows up, Up Town Funk starts playing. And I am beginning to get sick of Up Town Funk. It was funny at first, especially with him lipsynching and dressed in a gaudy holloween styled pimp suit. We've no progressed past funny into 'dear gods, give me a break.' Loki has been getting some laughs at my exasperation. Good friends: they poke you with sticks sometimes just to make you jump. I keep telling him that I'm going to get even. That makes him laugh harder. But, that kinda makes sense. It's sort of impossible to troll a deity. It's like trying to tell him a joke and he blurts out the punchline before I've even gotten started. But, that's Loki for you. I love him how he is, even when he drives me nuts.

Freyr... Where do I begin with him? So much I want to say but I feel uncomfortable doing so. People tending to hate on the people who are romantically involved with deities makes me really uncomfortable to begin with. The thought of that including insulting attitudes towards Freyr really makes me wary. Still, he is of the opinion that I blog a bit about how things are between him and I, so I am going to make the effort. He assures me it will all turn out well. So, there is that.

I've been struggling pretty hard with body image issues and eating for a while now. Freyr has been helping me keep track of how often and what I eat. Because of his firm direction, I have transitioned almost completely away from drinking soda. Instead, I've been having iced tea and iced coffee. As a result of just cutting down on the soda, I have lost several pounds. I'm getting ahead of myself. A few months ago, I got so stressed out that I was starting to starve myself again. (I was borderline anorexic in high school.) The feeling like everything in my life was out of control thus the only real control I had was over what I ate really did a number on me. Over the course of about three weeks, I dropped around 30 lbs.

Freyr was not pleased. I felt guilty and scared that I was getting really bad again. Beloved was just as upset as Freyr. It was a pretty shitty time. Beloved and Freyr helped me get back to eating three meals a day. It took a few weeks but I got back to it. My weight went up by about seventeen pounds but I was actually eating properly so I didn't get upset about that. Ever since I had the boys, I have been looking at the number on the scale and feeling like it was disgustingly too high. My doctor hasn't said anything about my weight being unhealthy. I didn't have anyone actively telling me I looked awful. Beloved was horrified by the idea that I felt like I was disgustingly fat. I blame all of the damn advertisements out there that tells women to lose weight to be beautiful. That passive version of mind manipulation is damaging, especially for women who have some what fragile grasps on a positive body image, like myself.

Freyr has taken some offense to the idea that I have this distorted image. He is not offended with me but on my behalf. It is a strange position to be in, to be honest. It just never occurred to me that he's be angry with something like that. He is, however. (You just don't want to see how angry Freyja is over this concept. Spitting mad is an understatement. In other news, Freyja is scary when she is furious, even if it is not directed at you and on your behalf. D/N/T Vanadis. EVER!) Because he is concerned about how this stuff is affecting me and is more than a little angry about how it is damaging to so many people, he became more active in helping me manage my health stuff.

Some days, I feel depressed and I start to really savagely rip on myself. Freyr has literally shaken me out of that mindset when it got really bad. Nothing is quite so odd as having muscle spasms that don't hurt and makes your whole arm tremble. The weirdness of it broke that mental loop as I tried to figure out what was going on and if this was because of my medication. But it only happened once, so I don't think I'm developing tardive dyskinesia or anything else like that. That was a strange and disturbing experience but it got the job done. And I have discovered that Freyr is like Loki with respect to being completely mercenary about getting something handled. He will use whatever method is at hand and most effective.

Thus, when I found myself going in the opposite direction and starting to 'eat my feelings' Freyr stepped in and made 99.9% of everything sweet taste awful. When the gummy bear addict is repulsed by the gummy bears, you know something is up. As I have been getting better at handling things in moderation, I'm finding that sweets are not quite so wretched. I still get fed up with them (LOL pun) pretty quickly but I can progress beyond being ready to spit out the stuff as soon as it hit my tongue.

I also think that Freyr is part of the reason why I have a hard time sitting still when the weather is nice. Last summer, I wasn't really keen on the idea of being outside but now I've been going out every day that it isn't raining. We've been taking walks and looking at the public gardens at the park by the lake that is a short ways from my home. Sometimes on those walks, we'll talk. Other times, he's just by my side. There have been a few times where there was a very faint second shadow beside mine on the side where Freyr is walking. It was pretty cool and I was thrilled.

When he isn't helping me manage my health issues and we're not out admiring the seasonal flowers, Freyr will sometimes just be with me while I'm working on stuff. Just the other day, I was paying bills as he was nearby working on something. Nonoriel Lokisson has described his spouse as sitting around doing paperwork while he is making stuff or doing whatever he does to run his business. It kinda baffled me. And then it happened with Freyr. I was sitting on the couch, knitting one of the presents I've been making people for Yule, when I looked over to see Freyr with a lap desk and a stack of papers almost an inch thick and reading glasses. It was, honestly, the reading glasses that threw me for a loop. I asked him why he was wearing them and he said, "They're comfortable and makes things easier." You can't argue with that type of response, even if it is coming out from behind some type of paperwork in a script you have no way of reading.

(Anyone else who is involved with Freyr, can you confirm if he is a polyglot? I keep getting the impression that he knows ALL THE LANGUAGES. A lot like Loki, to be honest.)

Most of the time, things with Freyr are fairly low key and relaxed. There are times where he will sternly tell me to stop doing something (ie a habit I am trying to break) or will become super serious about something we're discussing. But those are the exception to the rule. For some reason, I had this idea that being involved with a deity was some type of storybook romance and like the spiritual equivalent of champagne and roses half the time. I don't know why I got that impression from the godspouse blogs that I have read. But, between Freyr and I things are downright domestic. (If he ever gives you recommendations on how to improve a recipe, LISTEN. Amazing things came from that and I regret that I didn't write down what we used to make that salad dressing. It was seriously one of the best things I have had this year.)

Though there has been no sort of ceremony, Freyr has taken to calling me his wife. I usually counter with 'but we're not married' and his rejoinder is 'close enough.' Loki has found this to be hilarious. Especially when Freyr manages to make me flustered and all I can do is splutter out that retort. I've been deemed adorable because of this. I have a feeling that things are going to be getting interesting over the next few months.

Letters to Loki # 29 Contents under pressure.

Dear Lopt,

I have been feeling some strain over trying to juggle writing ambitions, housework, and the kids. Looking at all of this, I honestly find myself wondering how other people manage to have this life that looks perfect. I have been avoiding places like Pinterest and the mommy blogs so that I don't get all upset over how I am not doing that. It has been a really challenging week.

The biggest challenge I have had, to be honest, hasn't come from the kids. It has been treating myself better. Stopping myself from doing those old habits of self-denial and self-criticism is exhausting. I keep catching myself about to say something truly horrible to myself when things don't work out quite right. It is both sobering and saddening to realize how often I do that. They say that it takes a month to establish a new habit. If I stick with this, perhaps it will become a habit to catch myself when I am about to do something detrimental to my mental state.

I think the realization that I had been self-perpetuating the verbal abuse I grew up with was partly due to a shove nudge from you to think more deeply on what my therapist said last session. I wasn't happy when I sat down and followed the mental NOPE-train back to where a lot of my present difficulties have been stemming from. Still, I now know (It is so weird that the addition of one letter changes the pronunciation so much.) I suppose I have a start on resolving the problem. I've been feeling ashamed of how awful I had been towards myself. Then I remember that 95% of the problem is conditioning and I feel a little less horrible.

This week, I have been (in addition to the mental health improvement efforts) doing my best to maintain better posture. Freyr is of the opinion that when I break the habit of stooping to make myself seem shorter than I really am, it will help me feel better about my over all appearance. I am a bit baffled by how that is supposed to work. Still, I have been making the effort. As a result, however, my back has been uncomfortable because I'm using muscles differently and my stomach has been as well. From what I have been reading, strengthening my 'core' will help me maintain better posture and fit into my pre-preganancy jeans. I haven't been organized enough to start doing sit-ups everyday but I have been trying to remember to keep my abdominal muscles tensed/flexed/used (What is the right word for that? I honestly can't think of it.). It has been making for my stomach to feel tired some too.

I guess the minor physical discomfort is secondary to the goal of greater health. I am feeling a little frustrated, however, that I keep forgetting to do stuff like this. I suppose it will come with more practice. That whole "It take 3 weeks to start a new habit." thing in action, I guess. The other habit that I am working on getting back into is writing everyday. The last few depressive episodes really messed with my writing output. I think the daily blogging is helping some. The blog entries are a bit rough and I'm a little behind schedule, but I am getting something done everyday.

Now, if I could manage not to be sitting staring at the screen trying to brain up something to write on my manuscripts, that would be awesome. I picked one to work on and I just keep going nowhere with it. I have tried going to source material and drawing out more inspiration but nothing's really been happening. I am tempted to drop the current manuscript and pick up a different one to resume work on. I am glad that I'm not doing the Camp Nanowrimo thing this month. My word count would be atrocious right now, and that is before you take into consideration the difficulties I have been having writing. Just on the basis of the amount of disruptions and distractions is cutting my work time to a quarter of what it is during the school year.

I keep starting to get upset that I am not banging out 50k in two weeks or 3-5k words in a day. Then I pause and remember that there are a lot of very valid reasons why I am not having the words flying off my fingertips. I have been working on getting my second fantasy novel ready for self publication. That blog I have been using for world-building material has been languishing for almost a month (and not being updated very often for the last half year or so) because I have been busy with edits on this book. I am now at the point where I need to figure out what I am doing for a cover.

The different 'cover creator' things I have been finding are not satisfactory right now. I know that I don't have the funds to pay an artist to make something. I am not going to have the hubris to ask someone to do it for free (aka 'You'll get a lot of exposure!') because that is insulting bullshit. Those artists work damn hard and deserve to be compensated for it. I know at some point, I will get this stuff figured out and I will eventually be able to pay an artist to make stuff happen. I just have to hang in there and keep at it.

I have been reading about Amazon's sketchy games with e-books and it makes me a little nervous. I have also been reading about this stuff regarding marketing and, honestly, I am coming away from it feeling like an idiot. Trying to write a decent sounding blurb for the back of the book jacket feels awkward and awful. It is like this is the revenge of Comm101. I hated attempting to write articles. They never came out right. I tried really hard and all I did got bad grades. That's part of the reason I get apprehensive about this stuff. The other part is the fact that I recognize that I really am not good at writing for mass market stuff. I don't know if it is an extension of my social phobia or what.

Still, I need to figure that out because that is going to probably be what I need in order to publicize what I've got done. Publicity.. there's a word that scares the piss out of me. I've been doing the 'if I don't look at it, it will leave me alone' thing on that front but I can't do it anymore. So, if you have suggestions for where I should start on approaching this mess, Silver Tongue, it would be deeply appreciated. The fact that it is like public speaking messes me up. The fact that it is in written format only makes it marginally easier to approach.

But, that's where things stand right now. I am going to go and drink my beer. Then I am going to attempt to use part of this hour I've got free to get some work done, somehow, on this manuscript staring me in the face.

Curse No. 2 - Driven on the Wind

Last Quarter Buck Moon (Age: 22 Days)

Sign: Aries

Weather: Cool, cloudy, moderate breeze

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Items needed:

Paper, writing implement, source of flame, flame proof container or location to burn items (all optional)

Conditions required:

Stormy or very windy weather makes for highest success

Write the target of the spell on the piece of paper. Place it in the vessel for burning. Light it and allow paper to burn to ashes. Cast ashes in the air to be blow away by the wind whilst stating incantation. Spell can also be cast with out ashes. Ashes can make for more effective visualization for spell but otherwise do not impact the spell greatly.

Incantation:

May you be driven on the wind.

May you find no rest or safety but ever in flight of terror.

May your voice be lost in the roar of the storm, devoid of power before that which opposes you.

May your strength be swept away as dust before the storm, powerless to resist it.

May your plans be broken as the trees before the hurricane's might.

May they be left in ruins and scattered with no hope of repair or continuance.

May your place of sanctuary be shattered as the house before the tornado's wrath.

May every board, block, and beam be broken.

May the nails be turned against you by the storm and driven into your flesh.

May you be cast away as the clouds before the wind, dissolving into nothingness on the gust.

By the restless air, I curse you, Daesh, to be destroyed and rendered powerless.

Disclaimer:

This spell can be adapted for other purposes. The caster, in doing so, assumes all karmic responsibility for their actions.

Letters to Loki # 28 (untitled)

Dear Sly One,

I was a busy day today. Mainly, I was just doing a lot of minor tasks and then running around with the kids. A good amount of the shock with respect to my grandmother's death has worn off. I'm not wandering around incapacitated with grief. This surprises me, because I was extremely close to her. Instead, I keep thinking that it was good that her suffering from dementia and the pains of old age has ended. And the thought that she is now with my grandfather keeps running through my mind.

I have placed the prayer card for her from the funeral home on my ancestor shrine. It is right next to my grandfather's. It feels like the right thing to do. I want to do something more for them but nothing pops up in my mind. It just keeps going back to what my grandfather said to me when he was dying from cancer: just take care of your family and work on your book. I am doing my best to keep those things as my focus. A part of me says that it isn't as important as some nebulous other thing I 'should' be doing. I'm pretty sure that is my perfectionism and inner critic talking, though.

I've been doing some thinking, when I had some quiet time today, and I realized that my inner critic is a vicious bitch who just wants to destroy me. It isn't the same thing as my inner editor, if that makes any sense. In my last therapy session, last month, I told my therapist that my inner critic wasn't this monster. But, after some serious consideration, I came to realize I was doing two things to hinder myself. The first was denying that I had that problem, to some extent. The second thing I realized I was doing was that I was attempting to defend my inner critic a lot like how I defended my abusers in the past whilst in the relationship. The first realization annoyed me. The second rather horrified me.

I'm not entirely sure how to proceed forward with this knowledge. All of my feeling of disturbance and discomfort is no longer focused on my grandmother's death but rather the fact that I have been perpetuating the abuse cycle in my self talk. Don't really know what to do about that. I'm sure I'll think of something.

Curse No. 1 - Withering roots.

Waning Gibbous Buck Moon (Age: 16 days)

Sign: Aquarius

Weather: Seasonable, partly cloudy skies

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For this spell, you will need a black candle that will burn quickly. I used a black birthday candle. Present the candle to the deities and beings whom you are seeking assistance from. As you place it in the burner, envision the target of the spell as a tree with roots running into the earth. Light the candle with an active flame (a lighter flame, another candle, or a fire).

When you light it recite the following:

Let Daesh diminish as this candle does. 

Let the elements of the world consume them as the flame consumes the candle.

Let the speed of this candle's destruction mirror the rapid destruction of Daesh.

Turn to ashes as the fires of justice consume you.

Let the tree wither from the roots up. 

Let no blossom or fruit be upon its boughs.

Let the leaves turn to dust and the tree starve for want of supplies.

Burn away. You turn to ashes and dust. Powerless before the wind and ground beneath the heel of those who stand against you. You turn to naught. Just as the candle is consumed and vanishes, so shall you be consumed by justice's flame and vanish into nothingness, where none will remember your name.

As you recite the curse, envision the tree withering from the roots up. Envision the leaves becoming brittle and crumbling to dust. See all bud of future growth or fruit turning hard and then crumbling to dust. See the tree consumed from a flame that rises up from the earth, turning it to a pile of dust and ash. And then watch as the wind scatters the remains to the four corners of the world.

When the candle is fully consumed, the curse becomes 'active'. If there are any trace amounts of the candle left, melt them and then pour them into a container that is to be destroyed (ie: a paper milk jug that can be burned or recycled). Destroy the container, ensuring that the full potency of the spell is released. (Disposing of the container in recycling that is going to be processed at a plant counts as destroying the components.)

Then cleanse your ritual location and focus upon returning everything to the neutral energy it had before your action. Also, make a point to cleanse yourself of the energies associated with the curse. It is miasmic and will cause all sorts of its own special issues.

DISCLAIMER: If you are going to be cursing someone, expect there to be some sort of metaphysical push back. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Be prepared for some type of magical manifestation in your own life. This may or may not be harmful. Results will vary upon that front. The format of this spell is such that it can be adapted to other purposes. The use of this spell can have negative consequences if the target is 'close' to you. I recommend a different approach to interpersonal problems. All karmic repercussions of this spell is upon the user.